Caffeine must be one of, if not the, most used drug. It is vital to the operation of more or less every industry.
Pharma companies would already have a caffeine equivalent that would be only slightly different in structure so it would circumvent the law. It would then be sold at exorbitant prices and people would still pay even with the side effect of sometimes you eat someone’s face. Of course they would then sell you something else to stop the side effects. You would also have the caffeine purists who would start their own speak easies and organized crime. People “abiding by the law” would start calling the purist, plants, since that is where caffeine is coming from, while the synthetic caffeine users would be called zombies for the obvious face eating reasons. This whole thing would cause even greater divides between already split countries leading to all out war. WWIII plants vs zombies.
This comment was amazing to come across and I look forward to the film adaptation.
Haha thanks. Wrote it drinking my morning cup of coffee.
I did a spit take when I read this
(of my coffee)
🔥✍🔥
Well, pack it in folks, Lemmy has peaked. It’s not getting better than this from here on.
Thanks, the punchline was worth it.
I think once upon a time alcohol was illegal somewhere? That’s what would happen. And I’d totally join a mafia
This is the real answer. When they illegalized a drug that was already widespread and in common use, basically everyone simply became a criminal. There’s no reason to think people’s natures will have changed enough to suddenly want to be law-abiding citizens, easpecially when they’re on ceffeine withdrawl.
I don’t think it would be as widespread though, since you need specific caffeine producing plants in order to get it, as opposed to alcohol which can be made from just about anything. The growth and distribution would probably be more like Marijuana, if 90% of the country were addicted to it (so insanely expensive and a whole lot of also caffeine-dependent cops being paid off).
It is definitely not the right answer.
I can make wine, to prevent me from making wine you’d have to make literally every fruit illegal, and even then there are millions of wild apple trees in my country that you’d have to cut down. It’s impossible to prevent people from making alcohol.
In contrast to that, you can’t grow anything that produces caffeine in my country. I’d have to import it, and checking mail in customs is a hell of a lot easier than checking the vast areas of empty forest to see if I’m illegally growing apples.
Ahem… the Coffia
Pretty much the same as with every illegal product. It would move to black market because as long as there is demand there will always be a supply.
That would require passing a law to ban both tea and coffee. And who do you think will bother to sit through a meeting without tea or coffee to even discuss such a bill?
And who do you think will bother to sit through a meeting without tea or coffee to even discuss such a bill?
Are you suggesting that politicians follow the laws they put in place?
I think they’re referring to the discussion of banning caffeine while they have their coffee and tea
I’m pretty sure the last time the govt tried to mess with our tea we started a war and made a new govt, so uh, that.
The Mormons. Yes, the Mormons is the correct answer.
The economy would come to a screeching halt for a week or two when everyone is suffering from withdrawal.
Coffee would be served in underground cafeterias. The criminal gangs would immediately find a new very lucrative market in coffee smuggling.
I’d just go back to cocaine. What is the question here?
Have you ever had coca tea? It’s amazing - way better than caffeine. It’s more gentle, but stronger - like it gives you more energy, but you don’t get a hard crash, it’s less likely to make it hard to sleep, plus it has all sorts of health benefits - being able to adjust to high altitude for one
Cocaine probably shouldn’t be sold at the drug stores, but it would be amazing if we treated it like caffeine - you need a license to buy it, but you can get the leaves or products made for it
Plus we could make a path to legitimize cartels and stop getting people killed over the the war on drugs, which would be nice
I can’t imagine some shady guy in a street corner saying “I’ve got the stuff” and it’s just fucking coffee beans 💀
Right?! That’s almost as crazy as some shady guy selling a plant.
I agree lol.
“Got some fire bean bro, hmu.”
“Yo what strain is it”
Ever heard of prohibition? Probably that.
Everyone suddenly gets diagnosed with ADHD and gets prescribed stimulants.
It’s a part of so much natural food it’d be impossible to ban
In quantities large enough to matter?
Yep, chocolate for example. Especially high cocoa chocolate.
Today I learned “high cocoa chocolate” is a natural food.
… wait, is that right? Chocolate is a processed food. Chocolate isn’t a natural food. High-cocoa chocolate is a processed food. High-cocoa chocolate isn’t a natural food.
Can someone fix my brain plz?
Caffeine occurs naturally in cacao. AFAIK, there is no way to process it out. That’s all they meant.
Although you’d kinda have to eat a lot t get a significant dose.
Ooooh I’m definitely overthinking things
thanks for the clarify
What would happen if caffeine was made illegal?
black market
black
marketcoffeewhy not black market coffe?
Yup, people would be growing beans in their backyard like weed plants, and people would be learning to roast their own shit lol
Any government which makes caffeine illegal must be prepared to enforce that law with mass violence, or let it be ignored.
Given how unlikely your average cop is going to enforce a law they regularly brea… Oh, nevermind. Yeah it’d be a shit show. Demonstrations, arrests, black markets, the whole nine yards.
This eventual solution would likely bring to mind Bunny Colvin’s “paper bag” speech from the wire
Somewhere back in the beginning of time, this district had itself a civic dilemma of epic proportions. The city council had just passed a law that forbade alcoholic consumption in public areas; on the streets and on the corners. But the corner is, it was and it always will be the poor man’s lounge. It’s where a man wants to be on a hot summer’s night. It’s cheaper than a bar. Catch a nice breeze and watch the girls go on by. But the law is the law so what are the western cops gonna do? They arrest every dude for tipping back a High Life, there’d be no time for any other kind of police work. And if they look the other way, they open themselves up to all kinds of flaunting, all kinds of disrespect. Now, this is before my time but somewhere back in the 50’s or the 60’s, there was a moment of goddamn genius by some nameless smokehound who comes out the Cut-Rate one day and on his way to the corner he slips that just bought pint of elderberry into a paper bag. A great moment of civic compromise. That small wrinkled ass paper bag allowed the corner boys to have their drink in peace and gave us permission to go and do police work. The kind of police work that’s actually worth the effort, that’s actually worth taking a bullet for.
The same thing that happened when they made shipping nicotine through the mail illegal.
I stock up on a shitload of pure caffeine/nicotine, and store it.
Either that, or I start extracting it from other commonly available foods… (caffeine is present in quite a few foods naturally. )
Or, finally… there would then just become a black market for caffeine.
The same stuff which happened during the prohibition period many years ago.
Fuck yeah a coffee speak easy sounds amazing. Like prohibition or not I would totes go to a coffee speakeasy
Loads of people will go through withdrawal symptoms.
Tell me about it. My coffee machine suddenly broke down the past weekend and I’ve had such a bad week. I tried red bull as a replacement but an energy drink in the morning is just weird. I then tried English breakfast tea which was nice in its own way but I still felt down during the day.
Yesterday I was feeling so off that I even tried alcohol because maybe being numb would help?
Today I’m feeling much better. Now this sound like it’s one hell of a drug, and I can’t for sure tell if it’s just the lack of caffeine or overall bad habits plus somewhat of a small depression hit this week which made all of it so bad. But yea I was really not feeling this week, and I can’t wait until my fixed machine arrives on Monday.
A small piece of advice, don’t go drinking waterfalls of coffee when you get your machine back. Stick to the rivers and lakes your body is used to.
Without the Destiny’s Child reference, it’s like a recovering opioid addict who’s fallen off the wagon. Your body isn’t used to the amount of coffee you drank two weeks ago. So drink less than you did. Also if you want to save money could be a great time to moderate your caffeine intake altogether, since you’re already basically done the hardest part.
I mean I’d like to follow that advice, but my coffee consumption is quite low actually. I usually drink half a cup of coffee a day. Some days 2 half. And this only in the morning.
The problem is that if I don’t, I tend to get quite the bad migraine around noon. So I prefer to simply have it. Also it does boost my mood and productivity in the morning a lot. I don’t really feel like I need to stop it, but I appreciate your advice, I do know some people who drink an awful lot of coffee which even I find kinda disturbing.
I accidentally brought decaf once and didn’t realise until half way though the week after experiencing horrible headaches for a few days.
Crimes
