To start: no, there are no “trusted male figures” in our lives. My brothers & father are all conservative, and I DO NOT trust them to properly explain things without shame and/or religious context.
My son knows the basics of reproduction, but I’ve never really explained what’s “normal” things for a teenage boy to go through… mainly because I don’t know!
I’ve definitely put it off, so he’s almost 14 and is much more physically mature than most of his peers (he’s got hair in places, shaves his face regularly, etc.)… but I’m embarrassed to admit that I know next to nothing about anything else…
Could y’all help me out? What did you go through that he should know about? What should I know about?
Many thanks to anyone who can help. Please don’t be unkind. Much appreciated.
EDIT: Thank you so much for all the advice so far!! Please keep it up!!
My son & I have very open communication & a very good relationship.
In my region this is handled really well by schools. Parents don’t need to worry about anything. Don’t they do that in your region?
My parents didn’t really give me a talk, where I live we have pretty comprehensive sex education in school that starts at 8/9 and finishes around 14/15.
Also, at 13, maybe he’s already been given some kind of education about his body (especially since he already shaves and has already probably had wet dreams and discovered masturbation). Do you know what he already knows?
Family isn’t going to work for you, but do you have male friends or work colleagues you trust enough to ask for advice?
Have you reached out to his coaches/PE teachers at school?
I live in a conservative area and do not trust folks to educate him from those angles.
Angles? What does this mean?
The typical conservative has a black-and-white view of sex and gender norms. “A man provides for his household and a women cares for the children”–type of thing, with very unhealthy views on sex, sexuality, and gendered expectations.
Hell, I was told that it was my “purpose” to one day marry, have children, and dote on my husband’s every whim, and that, as a woman, it should be my desire.
Another big thing is healthy boundaries, consent, and other things. Many believe in “the chase”, how women need to “submit to their husband”, slut-shaming, the “”“proper manly emotions”“” (hint: the only acceptable emotion is anger!), and those are just a few issues.
It’s not healthy, and I’m not going to risk someone teaching that kind of thing to my kid.
From the “conservative” point of view.
They’re generally not big on healthy sex education or relationships.
I’m gonna guess abstinence only etc.
I think the two big things I have to add are:
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Don’t let the church educate your son on these things.
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Don’t say nothing.
If you’re unsure about talking to them about these things yourself, seek out a man you trust, talk to them about it and make sure your values align, and then talk to your son about them together.
- Why do you think I don’t know anything? Lol So that’s not a worry.
- That’s what I’m trying to fix.
Unfortunately, I do not have any close male friends, so I may need to address things myself.
Ah, didn’t mean for my advice to seem disparaging in anyway, so I apologize if that seemed the tone of it.
Luckily, as others have mentioned on the thread, there’s a ton of great resources online to help you out. You’re going to do great, and when your son is older, he’ll be grateful that you took the time.
No no! I just get frustrated with myself for not always being able to provide proper resources for him.
I do appreciate the help! Thank you.
You’re welcome. You’re going to do great. :)
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When I was 14 my dad came into my room right before the homecoming dance and handed me a bunch of condoms. There was about all of the talk I got. That said, I was 19 when my first kid was born… but that is a whole different issue.
You didn’t use the condoms. 😔
Maybe ha ran out.
They’re not video game power ups! You can buy more son!
You can buy those too these days
As a broke college kid, I could not.
My college gave them away for free. The wellness center just had a big bowl of them outside the door. Grab what ever when you walked by. They only had them out during school hours when they had someone working the desk, so it wasnt really a concern that people would be poking holes or some shit in them.
The wellness center would even come to any organization and give a free “safe sex” talk if you wanted them to, and that came with its own goody bag with more than just condoms. It was awesome
Might have broken if they were 5 years old when he used them
Honestly, the majority of key points to talk about can be found online from respectable sources (for example, this article from Johns Hopkins, though there are many others). There is a better than even chance he has shady looked up the “Is this normal” stuff himself if he has normal internet access.
From a social standpoint it’s going to be different for everyone, teenage years are hard and kids are often cruel. I’d advise to just be there for him on this front, but don’t be pushy. He is going to be moody, lash out sometimes, and act differently. That is all normal. He is going to want to push boundaries and get in trouble (rather do things that will get him in trouble, most folks don’t actually want to get in trouble). Give him safe room to explore who he is and to try new things without letting him fall down too hard.
Lastly, you say there are no trusted male figures in your life, but that doesn’t have to be family. Good friends can also fill that space. I have to imagine there is some guy in your life that could have heart to heart, even just with you to then talk to your son. It’s worth trying to broaden your expectation of what a trusted male figure is perhaps.
In this day and age with the internet, I doubt there’s much he doesn’t know about in terms of how it works.
I would pull up statistics on stds and on the cost of raising a kid. Explain to him that almist 1 in 8 people have herpes and it never goes away, and how teen pregnancy really can fuck up future opportunities.
I think today it is more important to counter the incorrect things a child could be learning from pornography than the basics like “your penis may get hard when you think about girls.” They probably know the latter but not about STDs, unplanned pregnancy, and rape / sexual coercion being major problems.
As a father, I didn’t even know what to do or expect, we’re all messy, gross, and dumb at that age. The path I chose, was if they knew enough to ask a question, it was time for a discussion. Just pay attention, offer a safe environment for questions and be honest. Most of what they need to learn the world with teach them. Be there to fact check and maybe even learn together. Last tip… WE made biology gross and taboo, WE can make it less so for our kids.
NRK had a series on puberty that is no-nonsense, straight to the point. It was hosted by a physician. Most of it is on YouTube, and from a very brief look has English subtitles. Warning, it contains full frontal nudity. It should be quite informative. Watch it yourself and decide if you want your son to see it. I have no idea if it is geoblocked.
https://youtube.com/playlist?list=PLJX8EALqb4PzmhYdnK6AxcAhm45FyCCK-
Vocally theres gonna be cracks as it deepens. It sucks, nothing to be done.
There will be at least one wet dream if not more, Hydrogen peroxide soak, then wash with OxiClean should rock those stains as both are recommended for ‘protein’. Wash cold.
Erections at random times will 100% happen. It’s expected.
Acne will happen, body is a wreck of hormones. Use a new pillowcase nightly, do skincare, should largely be fine. If it gets wild prescription stuff might be needed.
Thats all the big puberty stuff really, short of whether the quarterback or head cheerleader makes his pp into the big pp but thats a whole other discussion.
John and Hank Green’s CrashCoarse is about to release a new sex ed series. I watched their whole computers series and thought it was fantastic.
I never received any kind of talk from my parents. Also, in my home country, during the communist era and even after, sex ed in schools was taboo. Crazy thing too, since it had (and still has) one of the highest teen pregnancy numbers in Europe.
Anyway, I did not want that with my kids. Luckily where we live now there is a strong sex ed program in schools, but also at home, we were always open. We talk about sex casually, we reiterate “always ask for consent” and “no means no”, and my son even ratted out one of his school buddies who’s a Tate fan. He knew that what the guy was saying was wrong, so they don’t hang out anymore.
Also, sexuality. One of my daughters came out to us over dinner, so casually, “dad, I think I’m gay”. I just said “cool” and gave an awkward fist bump.
Just be open, casual, don’t make things weird.
Here’s what I wish people had explained to me when I was approximately your son’s age and which should cover most of what he’s going through:
(I am assuming your son is heterosexual. If he is not, then you have to change this somewhat, but I can’t help you with that very much because I’m heterosexual myself.)
You probably noticed that for a few years now, when you look at or think of girls, your penis gets hard and much bigger; this is because you started puberty. That is called an erection and is a completely normal thing to happen; it’s your body telling you that it would like you to have sex with that girl. Erections will immediately go away when you ejaculate, which is a completely normal and very pleasurable thing to do. You can ejaculate without having sex with anyone by masturbating, that is, by rubbing your penis against your hands or some other object. It helps to think of beautiful girls when doing that. I have no problem at all with you doing this and you will never get in trouble for doing it or asking anyone any questions about it, but I insist that you do it when no one is watching, preferably in your own room.
Plenty of good advice in this thread.
I’m gonna shout out the boy version of the book “what’s happening to my body?”
https://www.amazon.com/Whats-Happening-Body-Book-Boys/dp/1557047650
It was super helpful to me in puberty, even with trusted male figures. It’s written from a non-judgemental, information focused space. It also let’s him has some way of privately seeking knowledge that isn’t just whatever he finds on the internet
I agreed. There is more to raising a son than discussing masturbation.
Being a women is not an excuse for not being able to research these topics around male adolescence.
There are tons of materials and without more information it is not possible to know what the knowledge gaps are and op needs to start reading to find theirs.
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