My dad has recently been caught having an affair with his young personal assistant. Huge scandal; mom was very angry. Now they’re in the middle of divorce proceedings. Mom moved out, the other woman moved in and I chose to stay with him because we’re super close; he’s like my best friend. Now mom’s telling me to go and live with her and go no contact with him cause he’s a bad person and by continuing having a relationship with him I’m condoning his actions and “ignoring her suffering”. My relationship with my dad hasn’t changed, I don’t see why I should end it.
I have very very little respect for people who cheat in a marriage instead of getting out; but it is clearly not your mom’s choice to make.
If you’re closer to your dad, then stay with him. Explain to your mom that you’re not trying to attack her, but choosing your own well-being first (as you should).
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Your dad cheated on your mum, not on you.
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Everything involving humans is more complex and complicated than it might seem at first glance.
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Everybody makes mistakes, even your loved ones.
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You only have one dad, so it’s better to forgive them. (I didn’t forgive mine for other mistakes, and that was my mistake. Now I’m old and he is dead and that’s that.)
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Your mum is being selfish and manipulative because she is afraid and hurting. It’s not right what she is doing, but see the points above for her as well.
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Life is hard and unfair and difficult for everybody. For your dad, for your mum and also for you. It sucks when you’re stuck in the middle of other people’s problems, but remember all of this will pass. And remember to take care of yourself.
Hugs my dude. You’ll get through this and so will they.
I mostly agree with this comment. I want to emphasize two things:
- Your mom is now alone, and probably feels like you are choosing him instead of her. She must feel very rejected as a person, betrayal is not something you easily recover from, the more time they spent together, the harder it is to separate yourself from the situation. She will eventually get better, but take into consideration that she is desperate now.
- Depending on how old are you, I would suggest leaving your house, either to go with your mom (see above) or living alone/with roomates if you are an adult. Your dad bringing the woman to your house raises some big red flags to me. Something is not right there, I can’t quite put my finger on what it is.
That said, don’t cut your dad out of your life, but your mom is alone and betrayed, and your dad isn’t. If I were to support someone here, would be her, without cutting anyone from your life.
I agree with almost everything you said except 4. is only true for past mistakes. I don’t think you should excuse ongoing, genuinely harmful behaviours just because that person will be gone one day. Not that I necessarily think that’s what you meant but I wanted to emphasise it.
Absolutely. That post was not a list of commandments. It was intended as support for OP in this very moment that they are having a crisis.
There’s a bit of difference between making a mistake and stabbing your partner in the back. He could have done it the right way, but he chose to do one of the most emotional hurtful things you can do.
He betrayed family to get laid
Point number 2. Read it again.
As of why, we can only speculate. Sometimes a disaster is what is required to get things happening that should have been over a long time ago.
They are living together already, so it was not only to get laid.
I remember when I thought everything could be simplified to black and white
I’m not condoning cheating, but I also know that the reality of situations isn’t as simple as “do this, and don’t do that”
My dad has recently been caught having an affair with his young personal assistant… Mom moved out, the other woman moved in
Staying makes it pretty clear OP is choosing a side. Theyd rather have a cool friend dad than an actual parent
Edit: not only was dad willing to blow up his family to get his dick wet, but he’s also cool with abusing his power for said reason
There are no ‘sides’.
Between an immoral piece of sh and a person who was dedicated and believed they weren’t yes there are sides.
Father isn’t just committing an act of betrayal, which he does to the person he loves, so op will definitely also be fair game for betrayal, father is also abusing his seat of power over his very young employee which is called coertion or quid pro quo and is UNACCEPTABLE. The fact OP could look into the eyes of a man who would betray him without a second thought is just cope.
Eventually it will sink in how horrific this was and op I am sure being moral themselves hopefully will take moms side.
Normal to go through a period of shock or denial before it sinks in.
Maybe not in a perfect world. But here there are clearly very opposing sides.
Even if the dad is cool about it and makes it seem like choosing to stay with him isn’t picking a side, it still is
My recommendation is not to side with the guy who not only had an affair but invited Ms side peice to live in their old family home
Cool
I’ll be here when you grow up a bit
Nah. I’ll keep my family values
You can go have fun blowing up a family and chalk it up to “whoops. Just another mistake”
If you are this allergic to nuance, I recommend staying away from threads that require logical/rational breakdowns of heavily-emotional topics.
You can’t just jump the gun (having fun blowing up families) about someone just because they answered OOPs question in an impartial manner.
So if you seriously cannot engage with this topic without resuming to attacks, I implore you to take a step back, reasess, and move on to something else.
I suspect they have either been on the receiving end of infidelity, or (given that they’re from Kansas), they have small-minded views shaped by religion and conservatism
Either way, they’re not going to be swayed by reason when reason isn’t how they came by their stance in the first place
I’m glad they are the only such voice though so far. It gives me hope that this kid will get some decent advice overall
Nah. Im allowed to do whatever I want.
And I want to call out people for excusing an affair. The dad could have done it the right way, like an actual adult. Asking for a divorce is hard, but immeasurably easier emotionally to the person you make a commitment to than sneaking around and finally getting caught WITH YOUR ASSISTANT
I’m curious to learn what you think about your username in this context? What crime are you partner in and is it only breaking a partnership that is an unforgivable crime?
Are you a whale, Ross?
This is a wise response.
Honestly, I’m very happy that your post has the highest score.
All other people are spewing vitriol over either parent and not even trying to be understanding. Life is about making and learning from mistakes, and mistakes can be oh-so-horrible at times. Character value is measured by how well you navigate the stormy waves, and there’s almost never a single correct choice.
One choice is helping a faithful parent grieve, the other is to say fuck you to that person and stand by a cheater.
Such a difficult choice.
Have you considered the fact that one is a woman? Clearly it is all our fault.
Oh wait? This isn’t about 2 gay men so its equal?
Ahhh. Yeah. Its all her fault. I understand OPs dilemma now
Thanks. Yeah, anything relationship oriented tends to become completely and binary moral high ground burn all bridges and salt the earth from people that have no stake in it except to have a short moment of hormones pumping before they scroll to the next bit of entertainment.
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You staying with your dad, at least in your mom’s eyes, is you choosing the new chick over her also.
And if thats what you want to do, so be it. But you’re actively choosing another woman over your mother.
Think of it like this: Someone was caught doing x. X being any deplorable act you wanna fit in there. Let’s say being racist to the point of violence.
Said member of that race who you’ve hung out with comes to you, tells you what happened, and asks you not continue hanging with said person or else they’re going to deem you racist too.
Although you don’t have any racist views, and although that person has never been racist to you since your not that “undesirable” race, you continuing the relationship puts you in the racist category.
You could stop the relationship although it hurts. And in doing so you may even help the person learn the errors of thier ways, or atleast the consequences of their actions.
Or you can say nothing and allow the racist tyrad to continue.
You can turn this around as well. Their mom asking them to stop having contact with their father is her choosing to take away their father from them. If that’s what she wants to do…
Children should not be pulled into the relationship problems of their parents. The parents are the ones who chose to have a child together, they are the ones who have to deal with the consequences of that.
And the dad is the one who bought those relationship problems to move in with his son.
The dad has 100% already pulled his son into this before the mother ever said anything.
I’m just trying to give the mothers perspective. I know nothing else about these people besides one is willing to throw away the love and trust of someone they’re supposed to be closest with for their own selfish gain.
What caused that to happen I can’t speak for.
Don’t let her use you as leverage.
Okay so… your dad is unequivocally a piece of shit. You said he’s like your best friend, but are you okay with your best friend being a piece of shit? There need to be social consequences for being an unapologetic piece of shit (which one would need to be to have an affair with their personal assistant and then move in with her). Just business as usual isn’t gonna cut it (think if instead of cheating he’d come out as a Nazi) and you would be condoning his actions if there aren’t negative consequences of some form for this fiasco, though how much you escalate is up to you.
life is complex. You really cannot assume he is a piece of shit just based on the information we have.
Was their marriage good? Was he happy with his life? If not, is he a piece of shit for wanting to live a happy life in the little time we have on this world? Is other person entitled to chain you to an unhappy life?
He may or may not be a piece of shit, I wouldn’t know.
Was their marriage good? Was he happy with his life? If not, is he a piece of shit for wanting to live a happy life in the little time we have on this world? Is other person entitled to chain you to an unhappy life?
As I said in another reply, there was a way for him to live a happy life in the little time he has on this world (or get his peen wet, whichever it is): Get a divorce. As long as he could do that, which is clearly the case given that he is getting a divorce and his mistress is moving in with him, he had absolutely no excuse to have an affair behind his wife’s back. Hence, piece of shit.
He is getting a divorce.
You need to put yourself in both perspectives. It’s not so easy to make such a big change in life without being sure first, that’s why people tend to already have met other one to love before leaving their current partner .
Anyway, it would not be easier for the leaved part to accept it. Normally the pain tends to come for the fact that someone who you loves, and that you think they love you back, no longer loves you. The temporal fact that their new relationship overlaps a little with the time before leaving you does not ease much the pain.
Because, let’s be real, is not like people don’t want to be cheated, it’s that people, reasonably, don’t want their partner to leave them. Cheating is just the realization of this leaving. But you cannot force love on someone, of they don’t love you, they just don’t.
If a relationship is broken, I don’t really see cheating as a cause, more like a symptom.
Ideally people will be more brave and just end things as soon as they feel no love. But that’s a little too utopic in my humble opinion. And being so harsh on people who didn’t manage to be as brave as to end something to be alone instead of ending things when they have sure they are not going to be alone is not that justified from my point of view.
Yeah it is unfair for the other part who has “lost” time in a failed relationship and could be have been looking for other partners sooner, as their SO is doing. But a failed relationship is usually evident from both sides equally, so at some point is also their own fault for clinging themselves to a death relationship.
Things would change if there’s manipulations, abusive behavior or harm is being done on purpose of course. But there’s no evidence that it is the case here. In fact the only harm tried to do in purpose here comes from the mother asking the son to break relationships with his father just to make him suffer.
You have no idea why that happened though. Are you absolutely 100% sure he’s the only bad actor in the relationship? Maybe it wasn’t “just an affair”.
Don’t draw conclusions from limited information.
Says the one drawing conclusions to make the dad seem better
“Maybe she was actually a piece of shit, you never know”
Congrats on blaming the victim!
Dude had an affair with his young secretary and she is now moving in. That’s a tale as old as time, and tells me a fair bit about the dad. Maybe he does have a good relationship with OP, but the mother is in the process of losing everything to her scumbag husband.
OP is old enough to make their own decisions, but Dad’s relationship with his mistress is going to fall apart in 6-12 months when the novelty wears off.
I don’t know, but also don’t care. There is no good reason to have an affair (outside of maybe being coerced to enter/stay in the relationship). If he wanted to fuck the assistant, he should’ve (and, given that she’s moving in, clearly could have) gotten a divorce first. Ergo, piece of shit.
Exactly, everyone is giving this piece of shit a pass and going after the mom for being manipulative?
The fuck Lemmy.
You gotta read between the lines. OP is close to father, not mother. Mother demands OP cut off all contact with father because he cheated.
It’s clear to me that mom is just trying to drive a wedge between OP and dad in order to hurt him. She doesn’t care how that will affect OP!
Maybe dad started cheating because mom was cold and unavailable? Maybe he fell in love with someone who reciprocated and was available emotionally because his wife wasn’t? He invited this woman to move in, so obviously it wasn’t just a fling.
Honestly from what we know, which is next to nothing, both parents here are in the wrong partially.
But as someone else already said here, humans and their relationships are super complex and from just a little paragraph we shouldn’t judge either of them too harshly.
For example, my mom cheated on my dad, but we children stayed with her and understood her actions, because our dad was an emotionally unavailable alcoholic at that time. He turned himself around in the years following, becoming a better father. Both my parents made grave mistakes during their marriage and both shared blame in the breaking apart of our family and both, over time, accepted their part in it.
Life is not that easy, for none of us, everybody makes mistakes.
Man fucked his assistant behind his wife’s back and he’s just “partially” wrong
It’s not that hard of a concept to understand. In the described scenario both did something wrong, which is why I said, that both are partially wrong (regarding the described problem).
He is wrong for betraying his family and she is wrong for trying to pull the child into their dispute by making them choose sides.
So OP posted this, not only because his dad cheated and not only because his mom is trying to make them choose, but because of BOTH those things happening.
Hey, that person isn’t a good role model and did something absolutly deplorable. For whats best for you, you shouldnt talk to them again or else I fear your going to look up to them and also consider doing that in the future. And thats the last thing I want for you. That person needs to understand there are consequences for their actions.
Seems like a reasonable to say to your child
Maybe add in a maybe if they really clean up their actions you can talk to them later, but the divorce is literally still happening as well as the side chick having already moved in
Hey, that person isn’t a good role model and did something absolutly deplorable. I want you to understand that this not a way to act and that these actions are very hurtful and demeaning to me and our family.
These actions now do have consequences, which is why I am divorcing him. I hope you will understand that I can not reconcile the betrayal and that actions like this will always hurt people and have harsh consequences.
But I understand that this person is your father and your relationship to him is important to you so I will try to make peace with that, in order to not hurt you any more than has already been done.
Seems also like a reasonable thing to say to your child. You know, not instrumentalizing your child to hurt the partner that betrayed you. Seems selfish to me, but what do I know.
But I should’ve know better than to expect healthy nuance from an online discussion anyways.
Maybe I just care for my mother more. Idk
Can’t imagine living with the side chick during the divorce
My bad advice for this situation would be for you to start planning on pursuing the mindset for independent living.
I am not a therapist. I’m guessing most people on Lemmy are not. Take anyone’s advice with a grain of salt… including this.
People make mistakes. It’s human nature for men to seek younger women because they are supposed to be more fertile. It’s human nature for women to seek older men because they are supposed to be more mature and protective.
However, that’s just thousands of years of basic instincts. We’re more educated now. We are supposed to behave like advanced creatures, go beyond our primal thinking.
That said, if you have a good relationship with your dad, don’t break ties simply because of his infidelity. Learn from his mistakes. Maybe help him understand what he did wrong. Your mom is angry because he broke a promise, a vow. She wants you on her side because she is angry with him and wants to punish him for it.
I don’t know your mom or dad or their relationship. Maybe she was a perfect saint or maybe she was cold and manipulative. Either way, he shouldn’t have chosen someone else before their relationship ended. It’s just not right to hide something like that.
Typically, a man choosing a younger woman over their wife tends not to think with their brain, but with their lust. He could very well do it again in five ten years with someone younger.
Your mom shouldn’t force you to choose, but you should definitely have some empathy for her on how their bond was broken. She is in pain. She trusted him and he failed her.
Hopefully, you will find some sort of compromise and balance. It may take time for her to understand. A long, honest talk might help the two of you get to that point.
Best of luck.
A good mother will prioritize the wellbeing of her children over winning a conflict with her (ex) partner. It is completely unfair of her to ask you to pick a side or go no contact with your father. Hopefully she’ll realize this once she’s had some time to process her (understandable) emotions. In the mean time, best of luck to you!
NGL, IMO your dad sounds like kind of a piece of shit (based on the limited information available to me). However, at the end of the day he is still your father and it’s not your job to punish him for that. That’s your mother’s lawyer’s job.
Be there for your mother if you feel up to it (and you love her), but keep in mind that it’s a parent’s job to emotionally support their children, not the other way around.
And what would a good father do champ?
Tell his son or daughter that he made a mistake, apologize for setting a bad example, and tell them the right thing to do, assuming the relationship was untenable, would’ve been to end things with his wife before pursuing someone else.
Yup, but the dad here instead DID just moved on and brought the side chick into their old family home
The demand for no contact is extreme and controlling behaviour and not something I would agree with based on the information provided.
Marriage breakdowns happen, by itself that isn’t a reason to ruin a parent-child relationship.
It’s extreme if it continues. Lashing out emotionally in response to being hurt isnt that crazy.
Yeah i can see wanting to do it of your own volition, my brother went the same way, but having one parent ask that of you is something else.
Your parents have some beef they need to settle between themselves - not with you. Any parent requesting their kids to retaliate against the other parent is a red flag. It’s manipulation. Beware of her !
Now, if your dad had done something to you and you felt like cutting ties, or perhaps your dad represents a serious threat to your mother and cutting ties is necessary for her safety, well that’s a different case scenario. But that’s not what you are telling us.
TLDR: you are not a bad person.
no.
No you’re not wrong for wanting to keep your dad in your life. Any reputable family counselor would say your mom shouldn’t be asking you to pick a side. Your mom does need support though, but it isn’t your job. What your dad did sounds really hurtful to her, as it would be for most people. Maybe he is your best friend, but being a parent is more than being a friend. It means being a role model & wanting to teach things like honesty & respect, especially for the people you’re supposed to love.
Has your dad offered to pay for counseling for you to process these things & talk to a professional about? It sounds like you could probably use it. I don’t know how old you are, but given that you’re asking the question here & the way you’re asking leads me to believe you’d be much better off talking to a professional about it.
Eh, you should support your family. The dad fell in love with someone else and now OPs parents are splitsville. It’s not fair to ask that OP cuts dad off but OP should try living 7/7 days with their parents if at all practically possible. OPs mom is going through so much grief right now - ignoring that is cruel.
Your mum is hurt and this is okay but the manipulation is not. As Judge Judy always said to divorced parents who tried to use their children against each other. , “You need to love your children more than you hate each other.”
No. That doesn’t make you a bad person. Frankly, I think it’s awful that she’s asking you to, but I imagine she’s going through some things herself at the moment.
I think you have the right take here already- your relationship with your dad wasn’t the one impacted.
Most of the advice here has been good, apart from one person
You don’t know the details of your parents’ relationship. You don’t know how they behaved when you weren’t there
Life is never black-and-white. This isn’t condoning cheating, it’s an acknowledgement that it’s very simple to say what’s right and wrong when you are on the outside
What’s shit is that you are being put in the middle
The problem is between your mother and father and neither of them should expect you to take a side, but once again, life is messy and hurt people do things in their anger and frustration that aren’t rational or reasonable
Time definitely helps, and things can take years to settle, if they ever do
It’s unfair for you to be used as a pawn in their game. People who make demands and try to squeeze you with a “you’re with me, or you’re against me” aren’t looking out for you, they’re looking out for themselves
No child should be weaponised.
If you can handle the conflict, or potentially messy details, you can ask her why she expects you to abandon your father. She might come to realise what an unfair position she’s putting you in
Either way, good luck, and remember that it’s easy to judge, but there’s a lot of truth in the old saying about walking a mile in someone else’s shoes
Kia kaha
The problem with this
dicksfine persons arguement is your choosing sides either way. Its unfortunate but true. And do you want to stand on the side of the person who didn’t cheat, or the one who didInaction is still an action
One side it trying to force them to choose a side. It is up to adults to say “this is between us, and our relationship doesn’t change your relationships.”
OP could be very supportive of their mother and still not want to move out of the home they already lived in. But it doesn’t sound like the mom wants to let OP do that.
Also, from their other comments, their father has been more supportive through their life while their mom has been cold and judgemental. Trying to force her child into a position whete they are expected to mete out judgement as well just emphasizes that they aren’t terribly concerned with the well-being of their child.
And anyway, if you want support, you should give support. And OPs mom missed that boat, so it makes sense for OP to stay with the parent who supported them.
Eh. As an adult I get to fully choose which side I’m on. And going off of the facts I had at the time, id choose the side of not being with a cheating power abuser
But since more facts have been stated besides just i dont feel like it, its easier to pick a diffrent side.
This wasn’t cheater vs homophobe at first
