I see marriage as a traditional legal binding that can alter your life significantly depending on your state and country.
You might see it differently. What does marriage mean to you?
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Marriage means I’ve made it. Not like “my life is now complete,” but more like a sign that I’ve accomplished the impossible. That I really can make my dreams come true, as cliché as that sounds.
I’m in a long-distance relationship with my girlfriend (well, fiancee now 😝). Several years passed before we finally got to meet in person. Having been stuck for so long, unable to do anything or make any decisions for myself, it felt unreal. Ever since we met in person, I realised that this is the person I want to spend my life with… The problem is, she lives in a different country. How were we supposed to take the next step when we’re thousands of miles away from each other?
Well, the quickest way to a visa is through marriage. Considering the current political climate and that:
- It’s a queer relationship
- I’m transgender
- We’re young
- She’s not white
- She lives in a country most people haven’t even heard of
… I was pretty much expecting this to be near impossible. But somehow, despite literally everything being against us, my petition for the visa got approved on the first submission???
Point is, for me, marriage is a means to achieving something I genuinely thought would never happen.
Marriage is a promise for to people to people to keep dating as long as they both feel like it.
Different taxes.
Bill of sale
To me, it’s my promise that I love the other person, plan on doing so forever, and I want to spend the rest of our lives together. I wouldn’t have gotten married unless wanted to support them in all of their goals, help them through all of their troubles, and enjoy all the moments in between.
The legal stuff is all secondary in my view.
You can love your partner without having to entangle your tax paperwork.
Well sure, but I wouldn’t want to entangle my tax paperwork if I didn’t love him
Marriage is how I tell the state, and everyone, who my chosen family is.
Marriage is a state-sanctioned merger of assets and rights. It provides a legal authorization for decision making related to your spouse, shared property ownership rights, rights regarding power of attorney in an emergency, and tax benefits.
Everything else is religious/social ceremony and can be achieved without the need for marriage certification.
I know several people who didn’t “believe in marriage” until their SO was in the hospital and they weren’t allowed to visit or make decisions for them. Pretty horrible watching the estranged parent or second cousin making decisions about the health of your 10+ year partner, against your wishes, with no recourse.
This is a big reason my spouse and I married after already being together for 25 years. She is estranged from her family as well. She was in a car accident, she was unhurt but the car was totaled. So we got married in April.
I mean you can also give your partner a letter of authorization to make medical decisions for you in case you aren’t able to make decisions yourself. You dont really need marriage for that
I had intended to not.
Then, after a turn at living together with my partner in an Islamic country — where we were not allowed to officially cohabit — we realized that our rights to watch each other’s backs were made way simpler by being married.
So we got married.
Had we always lived in a country that recognized cohabitation or common-law relationships, we might have not. Had our next sojourn not been in a predominantly Catholic country, we might have not. Had we more role models who didn’t, we might have not. Had we moved home earlier, we might have not.
But we did. It was 12 years ago.
Bottom line, we don’t find it burdensome; or that we are locked in a prison together. We care for one another. We drive one another crazy. We have the same fights over and over. We support each other and keep track of each other’s families, friends, medical conditions, and car keys. It’s nice. It’s mundane. It’s comfortable. It’s practical.
Getting out would be a giant pain in the everything. And expensive.
We don’t wield our rings against one another. We don’t demand “rights” from one another because we’re married. We don’t have extraordinary unspoken expectations of one another. We accept, value, and console one another. We’re a unit in this fucked up place.
People are crazy. I’m crazy. She’s the crazy I’m used to and can interact with.
I’m too old for new crazy.
Granted, she’s certainly gaining more by being married to me than I am being married to her. But, we don’t keep score either.
TL;DR — comments in bold.
What does she gain by being married to you vs you being married to her?
First and foremost, she gains cleaning. Everything except bathrooms.
Half the cooking. She has dietary restrictions, I don’t. We don’t eat outside of home often. Except phở bò.
Every form of maintenance. Cars, computers, all machines and objects with moving parts.
Weekends away with friends. I never question and I never say no.
Few hard feelings when she’s temperamental.
What do I gain?
I’ll probably live longer because she makes me go to the doctor, the dentist, physiotherapy, and reduces my cheese and bacon intake. But not salt. She loves salt.
I gain perspective. I don’t occupy i high tower where I know everything and remain academically distant and untouched by the world. I gain knowledge of all the books I don’t (and wouldn’t) read. I gain access to emotional and psychological non-fiction content.
Finally, I gain the companionship of someone who lets me do my wierd. Nothing kinky or malicious or wasteful or destructive — just unreasonably high standards and unreasonably low output. No blame for it as long as bills are paid and food is in the fridge.
She’d like to see me try to shoot the moon, and I love her for it. We’ll see. I can’t even put together a string of Lemmy posts worthy of acclaim.
Before I read other comments:
Marriage is a life event. In order to live a full life you must find someone and negotiate a double coincidence of wants. Then you invest and reinvest in each other. To fall in love is a misnomer. To choose to love is how it rolls out. It is easier when pretty and feeling healthy but I have promised to choose to love regardless. It feels like a pretty emotional high at the beginning.
It is difficult to describe the amount of stability and instability I have experienced with this choice. My spouse has the power to build me up and tear me down. She generally chooses to build me up. I generally choose to build her up.
I have lived in communities where I could only rely on her. I have lived in communities where I didnt have to rely on her. I choose her daily.
I think there are some strong societal wealth consequences to getting and staying married. Wealth lends more stability and options over time.
a contract for property
A social/government formality that i did only because my wife wanted a wedding. When my wife and i first said we loved each other, that was when we had each others back and were tied to each other 100%. Years later after getting married, it was just a bit of paper (we kept our own names, got wills to protect what we earnt ourselves etc), but our love never changed - but DAM they are expensive!
prison
Marriage is about fairness in a long term relationship with kids. Not being married allows me to abandon my shitty partner at any moment and leave them with meager child support and three kids. After 12 years they would only have the money we agreed on for buying groceries.
I won’t because I love my kids and partner, even though they live out their pathology on my back and refuse to get help. She is doing the work of raising our kids and as far as I’m concerned that entitles her to half the money thats left after all the expenses. She won’t marry which makes giving her those things complicated and not guaranteed, which would be through marriage.
This is from someone who got married in January this year.
The main part of marriage is the commitment to always choose to love your partner. To clarify, I’m using the word ‘love’ here as meaning “want what they want, and always do what’s best for them regardless of the cost to yourself”. You’re promising to always be the first person they can count on, no matter what happens. It’s not a promise to always like them, although that definitely helps and it’s difficult not to when there’s mutual love.
And for those that believe in this, marriage is an example of the love between God and his people.
Sure, the legal part exists, and I’d say it can sometimes be a good thing, but I don’t see that as core to a marriage. Really, if you both agree to be committed to loving each other forever, I’d say you’re married in the way that really matters.
A relationship that is serious enough that you can be bothered to do paperwork for it.
