Could be a one liner or a long drawn out thing I don’t care. I like all kinds of comedy.
How is toilet paper like the Starship Enterprise?
It circles Uranus looking for klingons.
Where does the king keep his armies?
in his sleevies!
What is not my absolute favorite joke. He tries really hard when he plays.
What’s on second, Who’s on first, and I Don’t Know’s on third.
About half the time when someone asks “you know What?” I answer, “no but I hear he plays second”.
Over 100 years old, my grandfather would slip snippets of it into casual conversation making my grandmother slap him and go “STOOOP!”
'Twas the Night of the King’s Castration: the last of the Royal Balls was coming off. All the counts, discounts and no-'ccounts were sitting around the throne room slinging camel-shit, for in those days, bull-shit was not yet heard of.
A noise was heard in the courtyard and in came Daniel on his gallant white steed, with his balls slung over his shoulder. “What ho!” cried the King. “Ass-hole!” replied Daniel, thus scoring an early point for the common people.
At this, the Queen dashed madly through the court with her drawers at half-mast, and her ass shining like a looking-glass in the moonlight.
Hilarious now, the King offered Daniel the post of second-in-command. “But what of the Queen?” asked Daniel. “Oh, fuck the Queen!” replied the King, and 50,000 loyal courtiers were killed in the rush, for in those days the King’s word was law, and the King ruled with an iron hand.
Upon seeing such mass slaughter, the King in exasperation exclaimed, “Oh, shit!”; and all 50,000 remaining loyal courtiers dropped their drawers and squatted on their haunches and strained and grunted in unison, for in those days the King’s word was law and the King ruled with an iron hand.
“Stop!” cried the Queen, thinking of the royal carpet. The King called “Halt!” and 49,999 loyal butt-holes snapped shut with a stately click, and 49,999 glistening turds were nipped, gently steaming in the morning air, all save for that of Daniel, who proceeded to lay one two cubits wide by one cubit high by three cubits long.
The King was sore affronted, and ordered Daniel thrown into the lions’ den for three days and three nights, for in those days the King’s word was law and the King ruled with an iron hand.
And here was Daniel, in the midst of all those roaring, snarling beasts — but of course, you could easily recognize Daniel by the large green parasol that he always carried.
On the first day, the Queen came unto Daniel and Daniel said, “Oh Queen, I am in need of some tea!” and the Queen asked, “What manner of tea?” Daniel replied, “C-U-N-T!” And the Queen departed.
On the second day the Queen came unto Daniel and Daniel said, “Oh Queen, I am in need of some pills!” and the Queen asked, “What manner of pills?” Daniel replied, “NIP-PILLS!” And the Queen departed.
Again on the third day, the King came unto Daniel, but it had come to pass that on the morning of the third day, Daniel had shat a great shit, and the lions were sore affronted. Almost all of them had thenceforth kept their distance from Daniel. But one of the lions took a liking to Daniel’s left nut, and began to munch upon it. “Oh, it tickles, it tickles!” cried Daniel. “What tickles?” asked the King. “TES-TICKLES!” roared Daniel, thereby scoring another point for the common people. Upon hearing this, all the ladies in the courtyard took out their tits and tittered.
Then the lion crouched as if to spring, but instead laid a big turd. This amused the King, and he ordered Daniel to come forth, but Daniel slipped on the lion’s turd and came fifth, thus utterly losing the race. This angered Daniel so greatly that he picked up the lion turd and, with menacing accuracy, hurled it at random. Random, being a crafty little bugger, ducked, and the turd hit the King full in the eye.
Now, this made the King exceedingly angry, whereupon he inquired, “Where’s the Queen?” “Milord, she is on the Royal Crapper.” “And is she well-supplied with paper?” “Milord, she has forty reams of the finest linen.” “It is good,” said the King. “And where’s the Princess?” “Oh, she’s upstairs in bed with laryngitis.” “Not that fucking Greek again!” cried Daniel.
This amused the King and he spake, “Oh, fuck the Princess!” and another 40,000 loyal courtiers were trampled to death in the rush, for in those days the King’s word was law, and the King ruled with an iron hand, and besides, the Princess was a comely wench. This made the King exceeding angry, but the Queen only said, “Well, I’ll be fucked!” — more in hope than in indignation. But nobody moved, save a solitary senile seneschal, quietly masturbating in a corner into a silver teaspoon, and Daniel, who, taking her at her word, grabbed the Queen by her butt-cheeks and slipped her onto his dick like a well-worn jackboot.
Later in the evening the King entered the Royal Boudoir and beheld the Queen lying on the bed, clad only in Nature’s attire. “Roll over, Queen!” ordered the King. “I’ll be fucked if I will!” shouted the Queen. “You will at that,” observed the King, “but you’ll be corn-holed if you won’t!” Hearing this, the Queen shat a gold brick, for in those days a square ass-hole was a symbol of royalty.
When the King saw this, he cried, “Balls!”; not because he had to, but because he had two. And the Queen replied, “Balls!? If I had two, I could be King!”
Whereupon the King, having partaken of over-ripe olives, hied himself to the innermost part of his kingdom and proceeded to shit buttermilk for three days, and thereafter was forever known as King Dairy-Ass, throughout the world.
Blaming Daniel for his digestive discomfort the King sentenced Daniel to wander in the wilderness for forty days and forty nights, for in those days the King’s word was law and the King ruled with an iron hand.
And so it came to pass that Daniel wandered in the wilderness for many a long day and many a long night. But in the evening of his thirteenth day in the wilderness, Daniel was set upon by bandits! Not, as you might at first surmise, ordinary bandits, but Mexican bandits. Nor, as you might at second surmise, ordinary Mexican bandits, but Mexican bum-bandits, who debagged him, scragged him, and shagged him, and left him with his pockets jingling, and his ass-hole tingling.
Months went by before the Queen came unto Daniel. “Oh Daniel, I am heavy with child. What steps are to be taken?” “Fuckin’ big ones!” replied Daniel as he vanished over the Southern horizon.
This reads like a joke that’s been told since the middle ages and got more and more stanzas added over time.
(raunchy humor)
- Q: How do elephants hide in the jungle?
- A: They paint their balls red and climb into cherry trees.
- Q: What’s the loudest sound in the jungle?
- A: Giraffes eating cherries.
Fantastic!
A more kid friendly version:
Q: why do elephants have red eyes?
A: so they can hide in the cherry trees.
Q: have you ever seen an elephant in a cherry tree?
A: See, they can hide really themselves!
“Mother Superior, we’ve discovered a case of syphilis!”
“Oh wonderful! I was getting tired of the Chablis…”
Poop jokes. Okay, well… They’re not actually my very favorite. But they’re number 2!
Why did the hedgehog cross the road?
To show his girlfriend he had guts.
mr ducks.
– mr not ducks.
osar ducks, cdedbd wings.
– whl al b, da r too ducks.
Wun Wun was a racehorse
Tutu was one, too
Wun Wun won a race
22112
Tim and I to Melbourne went
Met three hookers in a tent
They were three and we were two
So I booked one and Timbuktu
O Sybile si ergo
Fortibus es in ero
O Nobile emis trux
Vatis enim causan dux.spoiler
O see, Billy, see 'ere go
Forty buses in a row
O no, Billy, 'em is trucks
What is in 'em? Cows and ducks.This is funny because the pseudo-Latin is almost legit:
O Sybil, if therefore
you are among the brave,
O noble one,
you are a wild beast,
for the prophet is the leader of the cause.
How do you keep a Mormon from drinking all the beer on your fishing trip?
Invite another Mormon.
(My family is Mormon and they also think this joke is hilarious)
I don’t get it.
In Mormon theology doing any mind altering substances like drinking alcohol, smoking anything, and I shit you not even drinking fucking coffee it’s explicitly forbidden.
But like most religious zealots, they all do it, and knitting circles ain’t got shit on churches when it comes to spreading other people’s business to “hold each other accountable”, but we all know it’s just a reason to gossip. So if you have one Mormon, and assuming you are not, the mormon will drink your beer. But if you have another one, they know that person will tell EVERYONE about it.
Technically if they both drink it neither one has drunk all the beer. Mission accomplished
Oh, I thought when you invite a second Mormon, the first one won’t drink all your beer cause the second one will drink half of it.
One of my most baffling social nights was being invited to poker night at the home of a bunch of Jehovah’s Witnesses. My buddy had married one (that’s a whole different kettle of fish, set that to the side for now lol) and that’s how I came along for card night.
So anyways… there’s no gambling allowed… so the deal was everybody put in $20 dollars and whoever “won” was awarded the trophy. To keep it totally in God’s hands and not humans gambling, the poker game’s River card would mutate all cards with the same value to Wild cards. So no matter how shitty anybody played or what anybody did, the outcome was quasi-random. Then once everybody had all the chips, they were awarded the trophy. The trophy was a 40oz bottle of whiskey. Which Jehovah’s are not allowed to drink. But don’t worry, it was agreed beforehand nobody would actually drink it, it’s a damned trophy for crying out loud!
Also we were not allowed (per JW rules) to be socializing in the first place. Also there was rock music in the background while we played which is not allowed. And the JWs would individually disappear to the laundry room to make their pop-only drinks with whatever (pop only!) products each person brought to the gathering in a zippered gym bag.
I mean. Yeah. It was so fucking weird man.
I had a friend (Who often got confused for Will Ferrell) who ran karaoke nights down south who was ex communicated, or I think it was called de-fellowshipped, from JW for trying to learn about their past. Fuck these cults are strange.
A pirate walks into a bar and orders a drink. He was getting a lot of funny looks over his attire, but finally the bartender breaks the ice.
“Sir, what’s with the wheel sticking out of your pants?”
“Aargh, it’s been drivin’ me nuts!”
I have a joke about piping to /dev/null, but you wouldn’t get it.
I told you a joke via UDP, but I don’t know if you got it or not.
I sent your joke to 0.0.0.0/0 and I’m sure someone will get it.
A woman is deep in the throes of labor, bringing her first child into the world. “Push, push,” the doctor tells her as the baby’s head appears. “One more big one,” he exclaims; she cries out and obliges.
The doctor gently cradles the new arrival, moves to hand it to the mother, her tears of pain turning to tears of joy as she reaches for her baby. But suddenly, the doctor grasps it by the ankles and begins to bash it against the end table.
The mother screams, begs him to stop as he punches it, bites it, slams it against a wall. But her cries are ignored while he tosses around like a dog with a rat. Exhausted he finally hands it to her.
“I’m just foolin’. It was already dead.”
Many years ago when I did stand-up I tried to come up with a better take on the “dead baby joke”. The foundation isn’t mine, but the delivery was. It was one of my best bits and I get that it’s not funny in the classic sense but in the “Jesus Fucking Christ!” sense.
Actually, I was working on something similar. The original ‘stable relationship’ joke is very compact and for me, kind of unfunny. I decided to adapt it into an Aristocrats format. I wanted to spin this out into a five minute monologue and commit it to memory, someday:
A man has been admitted to the trauma unit after inserting a massive collection of objects into his anus, following an unhinged crime spree of public indecency, raucous violence, and gravely harmful bestiality.
He was apprehended by police at the Churchill Downs after a dispute with a jockey. Apparently he had pinched their riding crop and was whipping himself and shrieking like a mare in heat. He was discharged from custody immediately, as it was apparent he had a life-threatening number of objects inside his body. Later, the partially-eaten body of a horse was found hidden under a pile of shit-covered hay. The opinion of the forensics lab was that the horse was slain in a crime of passion.
On arrival, doctors found the man completely insensitive to all known sedatives, until they tried a near-lethal cocktail of horse tranquilizers and Mongolian fermented horsemilk known as airag, which calmed him enough for imaging to be taken.
The preliminary x-rays showed eight My Little Pony toys and one limited edition plushie of Twilight Sparkle, a hardback copy of Equus and a well-worn paperback of Animal Farm, an unloaded Colt revolver, half a lucky horseshoe, a lasso, a ten gallon hat, a pink Himalayan salt lick, figurines of Mr. Ed, Maximus, and Secretariat, a Lego cowboy set, a half-empty pony keg, two white knight chess pieces and one black one which kept on falling out (because he’s been shitting himself uncontrollably this whole time you see), and the broken staff of a hobby horse, which protruded three feet from him. The head of the hobby horse he was using as a sort of codpiece, whose whereabouts are currently unknown. It was later found on eBay and recovered at great expense.
Prior to the procedure, his condition was reported as ‘stable’.
Anyway, it’s not quite there yet. There are some parts that feel kind of hat on a hat? I’d appreciate any notes you might have, I’ll take any critical feedback; after all, you don’t look a gift horse in the mouth.
I love a good slow build that ends with what would otherwise be a dad joke level punchline, and that one’s 🔥.
Aw cheers, thanks for reading. I dream of finding a horse furry to pick their brains for better material. Something that really demonstrates a genuinely prurient mania that a non-horsefucker can’t really replicate. A joke like this is like Evel Knievel, you just hit the gas and go for airtime, yanno?
That’s incredible, goddamn!
One of my favorite classic one:
-What is red, makes a rumbling noise, and is hard to swallow?
-A tractor.What’s big and yellow and can’t swim?
An excavator
And why can’t it swim?
Cause it has only one arm.
Also: What’s red and bad for your teeth?
A brick
Love 'em. Thank you
What’s brown and rhymes with snoop?
Dr Dre
What’s brown and sticky?
A stick.
