I’m not really in a good place right now or I guess I haven’t been for a few years.
I’ve just been reflecting today on all the things that I haven’t been doing and wondering if some specific things would have happened in my past to me maybe I would have been able to do things differently… like I’m reflecting on my friends and how they develop their sense of self-worth and identity I’m just realizing so many things just didn’t really ever happen to me and I’m just wondering what those things could possibly have been.
Like for example I have absolutely no doubt that I’m a great programmer and I deserve all of the things I have in my life because of it. I’ve work hard and created cool things and gotten jobs and been promoted so I have absolutely no doubt in my professional abilities.
And like I know I’m attractive cuz I’m tall and young and I look good and I take care of myself… but no one’s ever told me that… like in the way that my friends have been told. Like in the way that would cause a friend to come up to me and ask for emotional advice about their relationship and they tell me their partner finds them attractive but they don’t think they’re attractive, I’ve never gotten to that.
That’s the kind of I guess niche developmental milestones or mile-pebbles that are healthy to go through that I’m asking about.
I suppose, for me, it was when I started making friends with people outside my own age group. Being 40 and friends with 20 and 30 year-olds, or people in their 70’s and 80’s and having it just be mutually respectful and enjoyable feels like a big thing when you get to it.
Haha, with my experiences, it felt like I was constantly put into situations with older people.
I wonder where all the fun energetic 20-somethings were in my 20’s. Like, all hiding out, or in college, or something.
Once out of high school, I never felt like I had my “peer group.” Just, other people. When I do encounter those similar in age now, it feels like they far surpassed me.
Being able to be friends with any age group is great, I guess. But I never really feel like I belong anywhere, just like I’m visiting and passing through.
One that not a lot of people talk about because it is private and doesn’t happen to everyone is when the voice of your conscience is your own voice and not the voice of someone else.
Growing out of thinking that judging people and running our mouths is the same thing as being a truthteller. Lot of people never get past that.
Then there’s the final boss which is realizing that we live a community and other people matter because they define our lived experience. A milestone so elusive that apparently some people can only reach it with the help of psychedelics.
Your millage by differ from culture to culture, these are specifically late milestones for white americans, but it’s obviously not everyone.
First time you change a lightbulb and you realize you’re an adult now and you run a household, even if it’s just a one person household, but you’re doing it well, since hou just changed a lightbulb.
That reminds me, I’ve been needing to change mine since three weeks.
I did this for my first apartment by myself in March. I bought lightbulbs and I changed one. It felt so good starting to be independent. Previously only ever lived with my wife at the time. Now that I am on my own, it feels surreal.
[off topic]
How many perverts does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
One to screw it in, and a whole hospital to get it out again.
I searched but couldn’t find the original cartoon, so I’ll give as much as I can remember. From “Life In Hell” by Matt Groening.
16 Steps to Adulthood.
1 -First time you hear a dirty joke.
2 - First time you repeat a dirty joke.
3- First time you understand the joke.
4- First time you get into a serious fight.
5- First time you steal something
6- First time you have a car accident
7- First time you get a job
8- First time you get fired
9- First time you get drunk
10- First time you come home drunk
11- First time you’re jealous of someone younger than you
12- First time you get something you’re not going to ‘grow into.’
13- First time you say ‘when I was your age…’
14-First time you skip dessert
15- First time you skip Halloween
16- First time you say “Jeez, I’m not a kid anymore.”
I just got my first chainsaw! I wish my dad were here to see it. Also, I just got stitches for the first time! Amazingly, those are unrelated!
While perhaps more esoteric than practical, as a programmer, this might be relatable:
https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Eight-circuit_model_of_consciousness
At any rate, the books listed such as Cosmic Trigger and more specifically Prometheus Rising, as well as Wilson’s later Quantum Psychology, are all very accessible examinations of the human experience from various perspectives and schools of thought, and certainly facilitate healthy self-reflection and awareness.
Edited to add another great work related to this subject:
I don’t remember the term for this but I came to a realization a few years ago that almost all of the people I know do not value me. I had to force my way into the group things that we did and inviting me was always an afterthought for them. If they were doing things as a group I had to invite myself. I would call myself a B-list friend but I really wasn’t even that; however, if they needed something then I got a call or a text. You know what? I would jump at it and be there.
A few years ago a fiend of mine died suddenly. Covid got him and he never really recovered because he stupidly did not get the vaccine. When He died I reevaluated a lot of long time friendships and because the long journey of realizing most people are not really your friend even the ones who were in your life long term.
To add. About 15 years ago I got divorced. Come to find out she was fucking a whole coven of witches. Anyway, I moved out and have been on my own all this time. I have grown into doing all things by myself and truthfully now that I am in my 60s I would not have it any other way.
I just wish I would have learned this in my 20s but it seems that I thought that if I was just there enough and helpful enough that they would see my worth. I was wrong. A lot of this same group is wanting me to come ton the 45 year high school reunion. Ten years ago I might have gone but not now.
I’m sincerely sorry about your friend and all you have been through. Would you change it? As in, do you feel that you acted admirably throughout your experience? If so, fuck it. Be proud of yourself and know that you do your best. Valuing yourself projects and results in others valuing you as well. Go to your reunion; the majority of those people have been through what you’ve been through and you have shared formative experience. You’ll likely be pleasantly surprised. Wishing you the best. Cheers, b.
I went to the one right after Covid. I was on Facebook then and was begged to come and was ignored the whole time I was there. I chatted with a few people but slowed realized I did not know these people and it was clear they did not care to know me. I left after an hour. I don’t know man. You can never go home I suppose. Or maybe I am just an asshole.
Nah. If you were an asshole you wouldn’t be thinking about it. Again, best of luck. I’m rooting for ya.
-edit- If you were begged to attend you were wanted there.
When a person realizes they no longer rely on external validation. They don’t care about the opinions others hold of them. It’s an underrated developmental milestone. People who seek opinions of others on themselves have not achieved this yet.
I guess that’s kind of what I was trying to press with the example I was giving.
I don’t need external validation, because I’ve never had it… it’s like you can live your whole life without adding spices to your food and you could just know what tastes good.
I get what you’re saying, but external and validation is how most primates ensure they’re being good members and stewards of their communities. This is important social behavior. It shouldn’t supersede one’s own values though.
Most people never achieve this though. A good example is the charity test. You do something good and kind to help someone, even something small like make them a cup of tea, but they hate it and pour it down the sink.
- If you feel angry that they “wasted your kindness and effort” or disrespected you, you still depend on their reaction on some level.
- If you are still satisfied and happy, that’s freedom. The whole act of kindness was the giving of the tea with good intentions, even if they disliked it. You take the feedback for next time so they enjoy it more.
- If you keep making multiple tea for them until they like it, with no joy in your heart, you’re a slave, and the other person controls you.
Steering your own ship is a huge part of adulthood.
I’d say we all enjoy recognition from others, when it happens. But having different internal motivations, rather than seeking recognition, is what makes a fully actualised person.
Remove ads from your life, no more keeping up with the Joneses, less vicarious living through series and franchises, and more hands on experiences, can help with growth and having ‘substance’.
I feel this completely BUT I just wanted to add that there is a component of delusion that can get ignored when you don’t respond to any external feedback. Just because I think something about myself, doesn’t make it true. And it doesn’t make it true every single time. I’m a doctor, and I care about my patients and I try to go out of my way to make sure they get the things they need. But at the same time, I’m not perfect and I definitely have days when I’m only capable of the bare minimum. If someone catches me on those days, they might call me lazy. I’m not lazy, but for that person on that day, maybe I was. I just have to accept that is what someone’s experience of me is, and try to do better as much as I am capable.
I respect all people who become doctors. My uncle was a doctor. It takes a special type of person to make it that far in life.
Your next step is probably directly to do with those feelings of inadequacy and comparison. One day you’ll be able to focus on your own path, without checking if you’re good enough or attractive enough or anything else. Ultimately those things are superficial and not healthy to dwell on. If you must compare, do it with curious eyes.
The only time you look in your neighbor’s bowl is to make sure that they have enough. You don’t look in your neighbor’s bowl to see if you have as much as them.
