I fell for someone who lives in a different country. We met while he was passing through mine, and then he later changed some of his travel plans to come back and see me again.
We saw each other every single day for over a month, he met most of my friends, we went on trips together and overall he was very loving and did all kinds of things that made me feel like we had something that could last beyond a fling. He told me he would be back again.
His feelings changed not long after he went back home, and he only admitted it to me once I confronted him after noticing him become more and more distant over 2 months. He said he found it hard to stay emotionally invested in someone so far away.
I get that long distance is hard and that people’s feelings change. I just didn’t think he’d lose feelings for me so easily. It hurts more than ending a relationship that has slowly burned out over time, because I just can’t make sense of how quickly this happened. And I think a large part of why I got so attached is because I very rarely meet guys I’m genuinely interested in, let alone ones that treat me well.
Have any of you gone through something similar? If so, how did you cope with it? Was there anything that made it easier to accept, or do I just need to let time do its thing? I have a bunch of important things to finish this week and have already lost so much time crying lol.
What you do?
You start getting into Linux, buy open source t shirts, grow a beard, listen to Stallman talks, and stop interacting with normies ever again. Only communicate through text travelling over open source technologies.
Make sure you spend enough hours in front of a keyboard to get a very pale skin color, reddish eyes and a rounded spine and neck. Pull down curtains so you see your screen better and avoid sunlight.
I use Arch btw.
I had to quit my job not long ago to recover from burnout, and for some reason I decided to start using Arch btw even though I’m a kind of a linux noob (maybe as a more acceptable form of self-harm) and spent the next month locked away to tinker with it.
My setup is pretty much complete now, so I guess I’ll just focus on growing a beard this time. Thanks for the great tips!
The beard has to extend to your neck. Very important.
Cut a newbie some slack! No one told me I had to use Arch as my first distro, I started with Ubuntu. Couldn’t a 5 o’clock shadow suffice as a start?
https://files.catbox.moe/rujkc7.jpg
According to this chart, a 5 o’clock shadow would make you a SteamOS user. SteamOS is based on Arch, though, so… it’s a wash.
LMAO I’m on Fedora and that beard matches mine exactly. What sort of wizardy…
The chart never lies, except for the times that it lies.
Oh my god there’s a chart? Lmaooo
Haha no problem. :) It’s a great distro. And you know the old joke…
- How do you know someone is using arch?
- They will tell you.
:)
It’s a great distro
I’ll agree once I can figure out how to at least get my laptop suspend on idle. Why are there no clear docs on it???
what desktop environment are you using… my laptop works great on Arch.
i use arch btw
Using bspwm because I wanted even more keyboard shortcuts to remember 🥴
I’m on the Gnome train myself
There should be. What graphics card dom you have? Usually these issues are caused by using Nvidia since they don’t care about Linux and the driver is closed source.
Ya I have Nvidia, but afaik the reason suspend on idle doesn’t work is because there’s nothing sending idle hints to systemd and I haven’t found any resources on how to do that. I still have so much to learn ;__;
This stuff is tricky and we all just follow wikis and try to fix things like that. We can’t all be kernel developers. :)
She might not want to grow a beard.
Girls can’t grow beards. But all genders can be heartbroken.
If you follow my advice you will not be heartbroken again. In fact, you won’t date anyone ever again, so you have lots of time to sharpen those skillz.
Hobbies, exercise, friends, family, and just putting yourself out there when you’re ready. Also, time.
I had something similar happen a few years back. I had matched on tinder with someone from a different state that I actually met years ago in high school. I hadn’t really been interested in him that way back then, but we reconnected and it was intense. We talked everyday and our birthdays both fell on the same weekend, so I went down there to visit him and celebrate together. Only a couple days in, he told me one night that he was falling in love with me. We built a pillow fort, partied, and went hiking together. I was absolutely smitten and so excited to start something new.
I ended up putting off the rest of my road trip to stay longer with him. However, when I finally did leave, I was driving through miles of desert when he texted me and said that he actually didn’t see anything happening between us. He said that he wanted someone who knew when to “leave him the f alone” and wasn’t looking for someone who wanted something super deep, but more so just companionship. It felt like such a rejection of who I was and I was gutted. I felt like it was somehow my fault. Since I didn’t have signal, it was a rough drive alone with my thoughts.
Towards the end of the night, I ended up texting with a friend about it while I camped out (still on my road trip). It sucked at the time but looking back, he was kind of a prick. He had no shame about leading me on and he picked on me for little things while I was visiting him.
It’s usually a bad sign when things feel so intense right off the bat. It’s only easy for this guy to leave because he really doesn’t know you well enough to know what he’s missing out on. It might feel like you missed some chance, but it isn’t your fault that this happened and there wasn’t more you could do. Be gentle with yourself. ❤️ This guy wasn’t honest with himself or with you about his feelings, and he ended up hurting you for it. It’s clear to me that he likely isn’t mature enough for you. Remind yourself that you were willing to go the distance, right? You did everything you could have. You want someone who will go the distance with you and follow you to the ends of the earth, and tbh, it’s much more likely something to do with him, not you. Meaning that even if the distance wasn’t an issue, you don’t know if it would work either.
And you don’t have to get over it right away. It’s okay to just kind of drag through the days for a bit. But keep socializing, because other nice (and even attractive!) people will remind you that you still have something left and you’re worth kindness from others. And do things for yourself. When I get lost after heartbreak, what has helped a lot is going for walks or hikes, sometimes on trails where the signal is iffy (so I don’t expect a surprise text), with an audiobook or some music. I really wish you the most kindness. Feel free to shoot me a message if you need any extra support, I’ve been there.
Wow, your story made me really sad for you, what a terrible way to be dumped. Thank you for sharing, it helps a lot to hear someone else’s experience and remember that I’m not alone. Your comment really moved me I almost started crying again haha. Thank you for being so kind.
Time heals all wounds. Make sure you don’t keep reopening them.
It sucks to hear when you’re truly down. Feels like the pain will last forever. But it truly does start to fade after a while and continues to do so as time marches on.
I’ve been through excruciating heartbreak a decade or so ago and it’s just “meh” now.
Which is also a way of saying, don’t go dumping your issues on other innocent people who had nothing to do with it.
You will know when you are ready.
Brains are very good at eventually becoming comfortable with a new normal.
They’re also good at being distracted temporarily.
If you can keep yourself busy with positive things (self improvement, cleaning, exercise, cooking), you give your brain space to become accustomed to the new status quo.
Meeting new people is always a good thing to do too, something to keep the social part of your brain from wallowing. Maybe join a local social activity (walking/hiking groups are great).
If you are distressed by anything external, the pain is not due to the thing itself, but to your estimate of it; and this you have the power to revoke at any moment.
-Markus Aurelius
Eve: Time changes everything.
Dr. Gregory House: That’s what people say, it’s not true. Doing things changes things. Not doing things leaves things exactly as they were.
-HouseMake new memories people. If you’re a friend of someone in this position make sure to get them out and do things.
Do you want some good news? You probably dodged a bullet. Based on what you’re saying, he wouldn’t be a good person for a long-term relationship, even if you two lived near each other.
Have any of you gone through something similar? If so, how did you cope with it?
Kind of. She broke up once she decided to go back with her parents (NB: she was around 24yo, I was 20), and we two had no pretension to keep a distance relationship.
In your situation I’d probably recommend focusing on the things that you need to finish this week. And when they’re over, find something else to keep yourself busy. Time heals.
You probably dodged a bullet there. This sounds a lot like someone who is already in a relationship or at the very least has a similarly strong reason to move on. Did they invite you over or was it always about them coming over?
Only time really works for me. This will be extra tough on you because the first month of a relationship is peak honeymoon phase. We rarely see any negatives. The other person is essentially perfect in our eyes during that period. And that’s the memory and expectations you’re left with. In truth though, you have at best only met the tip of the iceberg. You’re not craving a person but rather the ideal your mind has built for them.
This sounds a lot like someone who is already in a relationship
That sounds a bit harsh. As a guy I can tell you it can simply be due to long distance. If there is little perspective to see each other regularly it’s easy to lose interest, especially if it’s not your first relationship and you haven’t spent that much time together to begin with like in this case
I’m pretty confident it wasn’t due to a secret relationship. He’s a digital nomad so he’s never in one place for very long, which he’d stated early on as to why he doesn’t expect to have a long term relationship with anyone.
So in fairness to him, he did try to manage my expectations. I knew it was a “situationship” and even told myself to not get too invested, just enjoy the moment with him etc and be ready to move on once he left.
I lost sight of that the longer we spent together, and despite what he said at the beginning, I naively thought that things were naturally developing into something more serious and that he’d be willing to do something long distance with me.
But in fairness to me also, he did say things like how he didn’t expect that we’d become so close, that I was the first person to make him reconsider moving back to his home country, and he did all kinds of things that imo, most people wouldn’t do for someone who’s just a casual fling. It’s just hard for me to understand that sort of inconsistency, but I guess all I can do is accept that people can be like that and that they’ll disappoint you as a result.
You can’t really judge whether you would work long term, based on a relationship with someone who’s in travel or on vacation. People are more fun, generous, open, adventurous when traveling. It can be amazing and worth it, but the person (and the relationship) would not be that way forever.
Even in the first month of a normal relationship, its the honeymoon, desperately hopelessly in love phase. Add on the fact that he was traveling in another country -away from the pressures and doldrums of normal life - yeah, it was amazing. But he wouldn’t be that way forever. You had a special glimpse of the best he could be, but that’s not necessarily who he is every day, year in and year out.
But to answer your question: you have to actively make an effort to move on. It’s hard but try to do your best to see it as a fun experience that is in the past. You learned something from it - that you can love and be loved. And that you can love and let go, and move on as a stronger version of yourself.
That’s a great perspective and needed reality check. It’s funny how even when you’re aware you’re in the honeymoon phase you can get so lost in it. But yeah, I hadn’t even considered your first point and now you’ve given me more to consider. I truly appreciate it.
Time and keeping busy are the only things that help. You’re going to obsess over this regardless, but it will get better with time. Just try to keep your mind occupied.
I’m sorry that happened to you. It sucks, and I’m not going to say it doesn’t.
At the end of the day, you lost something you cared about, whether it was the feeling, the person, or simply a companion, it’s still a loss and your feelings are valid here.
I agree with others that you probably dodged a bullet. That doesn’t make any of this okay, but I’ll say this, would you want to stay with someone who gives up so easily on your relationship?
While finding someone you care about is difficult, and I won’t diminish that challenge, it does happen, and as rare as it was to find this one, there will be others. It might not be soon, but it will happen. The fact is, as much as you may have wanted this to work out, it did not. You cannot force them to want to have a relationship with you.
Things will suck, and continue to suck for a while, unfortunately there’s no quick fix for this pain; you can rationalize it, as I have started to here, and all of those arguments might be true and accurate, but that doesn’t make it hurt less. Feelings are not rational. You can’t argue yourself into feeling better, you’ll just make yourself feel guilty for not feeling better sooner. Additional feelings of guilt will only make your healing process more difficult.
Remember: “The best revenge is living well”. Whenever you get to the point of bitterness about it, remember that.
I know you have a lot to do, but remember to take care of yourself, it will be difficult for you to be productive if you’re struggling with your emotional state, so take care of yourself.
Your words are so compassionate and matter-of-fact at the same time, and I think that’s just what I needed. It’s truly appreciated, thank you <3
It’s my pleasure. I have been there and I empathize. Everything I’ve said is all the things I believe and live by. I’m one of those people that wants to be helpful and productive, so not being productive is somewhat foreign to me, but I’ve also been heartbroken, burned out, and tired beyond what is reasonable, to the point of being incapable of helping anyone or being productive, so I get it.
I’m going through burnout right now, and I’m mentally incapable of being productive most of the time and when I can get something done, it’s a fat cry from the amount I’d like to be productive, or how much I’m normally able to do, and I’m struggling. My challenge is different than yours, and, at the risk of sounding like I’m bragging (I definitely do not intend to brag), I’m lucky to have found someone who supports me, loves me, and has been with me throughout the process. My point there is that I’m very specific about the people I care about and let into my life. It took me nearly 20 years of searching before I found my SO, so don’t give up. I’ve had a lot of one-off “flings” and less-than year long relationships in three pursuit of a suitable life partner, and it was hard; but in the end, it paid off.
Don’t give up. Don’t settle, and don’t sweat the small stuff. Decide what factors are important to you in a person, which ones demonstrate a character that you appreciate and will be compatible with, and continue your search when you are ready to do so. I had extensive criteria before getting into this relationship and my partner easily, without knowing it, and without effort, demonstrated every trait I was looking for, without my having to “test” them in any way, and without me having to ask any questions. They showed me who they are and I saw that they were far and above the minimum standard I set for someone to be my partner. It’s important to have them live up to your expectations, not just for you to live up to theirs. Be fair, find compromise, but never settle.
The best advice I can give you for your future search, when you are ready for it, is that it’s more important to agree on principles, than it is to have shared interests. To demonstrate this from an easy example, if one individual in a relationship likes nice things, but the other is very thrifty and buys whatever is inexpensive, often ending up with a Hodge Podge of mismatched things (but they were a bargain)… Then that relationship is doomed from the get go. Anytime the person who likes nice things buys anything, the thrifty one will question why they spent so much, and anytime the thrifty one brings home an absolute bargain, the one that likes nice things, will be appalled at how “cheap” it is, this will serve to breed resentment and essentially sabotage the relationship in the long run. Everything from political beliefs, religion, frugalness, generosity… Among so many others, all dictate our decisions and actions. If you can find someone riding the same train of logic and reason as you are, you’re set, regardless of your jobs, or personal interests.
For feelings, the only way out is through. It sucks, but you gotta feel 'em to let 'em go. I’m sorry you’re hurting.
I’m sorry to hear about your heartbreak. been there, it sucks. what I find helpful is a little bit of pampering (live show, bubble bath, etc). a change of scenery or visiting friends can help as well. I know it may should silly, but if you need to talk about it, chatGPT is an option that can be easier to be open with. I’d offer to listen, but that would sound creepy from a random stranger on the Internet. 😜
A bubble bath would be soooo nice… if only I had a bathtub! I don’t even have hot water 🥲
And no, it’s not at all creepy to be an open ear to a stranger, we should all practice being kind to one another. If chatGPT is a bust I may well hit you up ;)
- I got so attached is because I very rarely meet guys I’m genuinely interested in
Yup, it seems like u were a lot more invested in the relationship than him
- Was there anything that made it easier to accept, or do I just need to let time do its thing?
That depends entirely on how u want to cope with it, some people (my self included) do some work out to sweat those feelings, some others go on a journey to experience any debauchery known to mankind, some other just drink some tea/coffee and call it a day.
Just do something that already makes u happy or try something new that u think is gonna make u feel better.
Source? I work in a hostal, those kind of things happens a lot, sometimes I’m still wondering if letting go that french girl was a good idea, or if following her was what is was supposed to do.
