Tbh I would love nothing more than for my friends to throw me a surprise euthanasia party. Reminiscing, having a good time, then they suffocate me or something.

It’s certainly not pleasant, but not outright painful. The bad part of it is you feel like you should be panicking and struggling and fighting to breathe. If you’re rebreathing your air, so you’re not prevented from inhaling, and you take long, slow, breaths and keep calm and relaxed, it’s not nearly as unpleasant. I had a near suicide attempt where I gave it a try to see how bad it would actually be and it was scarily not as bad as I thought it would be. Granted I didn’t take it to unconsciousness or I wouldn’t be here to talk about it, but I got to the point my vision was getting fuzzy so I think it’s far enough to draw this conclusion.

Yeah. The odds of 20 coinflips coming up heads is 1 / 2^20, 1 in 1048576. Meaning, it would take over one million tries of 20 coinflips to get one that comes up all heads on average. Our surgeon has done the surgery 10000 times, you say. That’s 500 runs of 20 coinflips. The surgeon could do 2000 times the amount of surgery they’ve already done and not expect a given run of 20 surgeries to succeed. Granted, odds are slightly higher looking for a string of 20 successes in one run of 10000 than looking for one successful run of 20 in 500 runs of 20, but I don’t believe those odds are higher by one or more orders of magnitude. I don’t remember enough of my statistics class to calculate it though and I’m too lazy to look it up. In any case, either that last 20 is an INSANELY lucky run, or the surgeon has improved drastically, and it’s far far farore likely the surgeon has improved or found a way to improve the procedure.

The difference between this and the gambler’s fallacy being it’s not using past results to justify the next, we’re using past results to make a hypothesis that the conditions have changed. If you have a slot machine with a 1% chance to pay out, going 200 or 300 pulls without winning wouldn’t really be unusual. If it didn’t happen for enough tries that you reach the same odds as the surgeon hitting that 20 coinflips run, I’d say your 1% chance slot machine is broken or faulty – you’re so far out of the normal distribution your data points is in a different zip code

Hell, regular suffocation isn’t that bad if you stay calm and relaxed and accept it. It’s all about the state of mind, and someone being murdered isn’t exactly going to be meditative about it.

If the surgeons been successful the last 20 times, then they’re probably doing something different or much better at it than the pool of surgeons the data was pulled from.

Thanks for your kind words.

It’s… I can and am choosing not to kill myself. I can’t choose to not want to kill myself. I think it’s kind of inevitable though, it’ll only take one time of things being bad enough for me to not care about hurting those who care about me. More or less just trying to give myself as much time as possible and enjoy what I can while I can.

I don’t really have any hope for the future. It’s become incredibly clear to me over the past few months that while I can feel better sometimes, nothing actually improves. Things don’t improve unless you actively try to improve them, and having tried and failed spectacularly it’s apparent that I even if I kept trying, it would be ineffective, and I just can’t care enough to keep trying.

I really don’t want to keep living, but I choose to anyways, at least until things I get bad I can’t choose anymore. I won’t hurt my friends and family and I know how I see things and how I feel are different from the reality of my situation. Just eventually, those won’t be enough anymore.

I… actually did something similar a month ago. Just with a bag. Scary that it’s not as bad as I thought it would be, kind of removes one of the barriers discouraging it.

People who misconstrue what you’re saying or purposely twist your words then go off on angry rants about their bad interpretation are the worst kind of internet user

No, who the hell does enjoy media coverage about polls? Lmao

To the people who are already starting to type “I enjoy them!!!” comments, it is a rhetorical question to emphasize my distaste for them through the mechanism of expressing doubt that they have widespread appeal. I thoroughly understand that other people can enjoy things I don’t. Thanks.

Mood, fucking same.

The publisher got bought.

Except that’s not what happened

Big mood

Doesn’t matter, cause that’s not what’s happening here lol

Yeah, I know my view of reality isn’t accurate. Doesn’t make things easier to handle but it’s why I’m still handling them. At the worst of times I’m just living for the sake of other people which while it keeps me here can also be really frustrating – it’s like other people are holding themselves hostage against my nonexistence. I do talk about it with some friends that are already that close. I honestly kind of credit one of them with saving my life in June, though she doesn’t know it. It just feels like life keeps pulling blocks from the jenga tower that I am and there’s not many left before I collapse.

Sorry for laying this on you.

Before anyone comes along telling me I should get professional help, I have. I’m in therapy and on antidepressants. Antidepressants help but they’re like health regen, if I get chunked I still have to deal with being low on health for a while. And therapy… It helped and is helping but the last five months have been so so terrible it’s undone all the progress I made and I’m struggling to not give up. I see the thinking patterns that are wrong and where how I feel differs from the reality of my situation but it takes so much effort to break out of those patterns and I’m struggling to care enough to try. All the help in the world can’t change your thoughts and perceptions for you.

I do try to keep myself safe. I deliberately have avoided setting anything up that I could use to send notes on a delay and have avoided setting up/working on/looking into/sourcing parts for the method I would use, so when it gets that bad it forces me to take a lot of time and effort and buys me time for things to improve a bit. I’m just worried that someday it’ll be so bad I won’t care about a painless method or leaving without saying goodbye to the people who care about me. I think it’s probably inevitable, but that’s a self fulfilling prophecy and one of those feelings that I know isn’t accurate, though that doesn’t make it any easier to handle.

I just keep editing this comment trying to make it more positive and it keeps backfiring, sorry.

On the bright side, things can’t get too much worse. I quit my job so it’s no longer triggering depressive crashes and there’s not too many more unexpected expenses left that could happen. I already have had to replace my phone and car since I quit and both the cost of insurance and the cost of therapy are doubling. My grandmother’s died too since I’ve quit. So, there’s not really anything left to make things much worse! Well, getting horribly sick or injured before new insurance kicks in but not going anywhere or doing anything makes injury and illness extremely unlikely. So, things should be pretty stable for the immediate future. I might even see friends in person again for the first time in months!

Just because I want to die doesn’t mean I should drag friends and family down with me

Stressing them the hell out about my well-being just makes life worse for them and piles guilt on me

If/when I do kill myself I want none of them to know it was acutely that bad because then no one can blame themselves for not doing anything to stop it

Letting anyone that close to me would purely be doing them a massive disservice

What if a copy of you woke up in the morning? So you could see your dead body from yesterday, but consciousness would seem as continuous to you as normal–you went to sleep yesterday and effectively woke up today, just in a different body? Would it bother you knowing you weren’t technically the same you as yesterday, even if it seemed like it to you?

Sorry, should have been more specific. If you died in your sleep every night and came back to life in the morning, and you couldn’t tell it was happening, would it matter?

It’s not a question with a right answer, I just want to hear your thoughts about it

Obviously not, but what is the functional difference? If you can’t tell it’s happening, does it actually matter?

The top commenter is correct. It’s why when you glance at a clock with a second hand, it can seem like it takes too long for it to move for the next second. It moved as you moved your eyes, and your brain didn’t make up the movement.