An old friend/aquaintance I’ve not spoken to in a few years popped up recently and we got chatting a little over text. In the few years since we spoke she’s had two babies by two different guys. They’re ~6 months and ~2-3 years.
She said that we should get coffee and catch up properly, and I was sort of down, although I’m not really that enthusiastic about catching up with someone I’ve frankly not thought about in a few years. But hey, it’s something to do, and it might be interesting. So I suggested a coffee shop near her and asked if she’d be able to get time away from the kids, but she said that no, she’d have to bring the kids along.
I don’t want to be a dick but I’m really not interested in sitting in a coffee shop with two babies. They’re mostly just going to be the focus of the occasion because they need constant attention, and I don’t really like kids in general. And, if they cry or act up and attract attention I will hate that.
AITA? How do I tell her I’m really not interested in sitting with her babies for an afternoon?
I don’t know you so these words aren’t meant to be hurtful, but I wouldn’t want to be your friend.
It sounds like you have nothing in common and aren’t actually interested in their life or you’d be interested in the kids.
The best part is you suggested the coffee shop lol.
Honestly just learn to say no if you don’t want to do something. It might be awkward but it’ll save embarrassment, wasted time and maybe even hurt in the end.
She’s gonna think you’re an asshole. Who cares what we think?
Just tell her you don’t want to meet up and why. Save her the headache of thinking you’re even remotely interested in being her friend.
No. You are not a dick. Your colleague is. Your are always allowed to exercise your right to say no, to things you don’t like to do.
How is she a dick for having two children???
I don’t even think the colleague is a dick. OP doesn’t like kids so they wouldn’t want to do this, no problem. Colleage has kids and wants to meet up but has to bring kids, that doesn’t make them a dick. It’s just their circumstance at the moment. I have kids, if I want to go out with friends I either make sure they are OK with it or find someone to watch them. If a friend reached out to me and wants to hang out but I have nobody to watch the kids then I’m not a dick for saying if you want to then I have to bring the kids.
You always have the right to say no. It doesn’t make anyone a dick.
Why waste time spending time with someone you don’t care about?
If it was a friend, that’d be a different story. The kids aren’t even a part of the decision here.
I’m not a fan of kids either. But hey…guess what? Not being willing to put on your big boy pants and suck it up for an hour is the very definition of “being a selfish asshole”.
The fact that the first thing you talk about is how those kids are “going to be the focus of the occasion” (your words), shows that what you lack isn’t “enthusiasm about catching up with someone”. What you lack is basic human empathy.
One of the things that absolutely sucks donkey balls about being a new parent is that half your friends just totally ghost you and done want to deal with the complications of your kids, which it sounds like your friend is dealing with.
Definitely hanging out in a coffee shop with a bored toddler is not a recipe for a good time, which I guess your friend has not discovered hard enough yet. The other person suggesting hanging out at a park instead is on to something. Or just anywhere else where the kid has something to do besides sit down and shut up, which generally they won’t.
yeah
She’s handling two kids under five years old?
You’re not ‘showing up for coffee’ you’re providing a needed mental health break.
Exactly this. People will have kids then expect other people to help out because “it takes a village”. Fuck that, figure out who’s willing to be in your village, THEN have kids.
I’m having a hard time understanding how self centered some people are. You can be uncomfortable with their kids and still enjoy their company.
I don’t know a single parent who “figures out their village” before having kids. If anything, having kids sheds the selfish dipshits like you.
You don’t know anyone who figures out their village before having kids…but childfree people are the selfish ones. Yeah, that makes sense.
Childfree people aren’t selfish. People who hate children for existing are though. No one is forcing you to have kids. False victim hood bullshit.
Never said I hated children, but keep pushing your false narrative to feel good about yourself.
Finding a village first implies you are not part of the village. Yah probably hate kids lol.
No you aren’t and you could just respectfully decline for personal reasons.
I think it’s reasonable to respond with something like “I’m really not a kid person, I don’t much enjoy talking about kids or being around kids. I’m still happy to meet for coffee, but maybe we plan to keep it a short chat and see how it goes?”
They’re mostly just going to be the focus of the occasion because they need constant attention, and I don’t really like kids in general. And, if they cry or act up and attract attention I will hate that.
Many places will have toy areas for kids, maybe you can find one (or ask if they can suggest one since they are more likely to know which ones nearby have that). A 2 year old can probably keep themselves mostly entertained off and on for 30 mins or an hour, depending on the specific kid and if there are a good selection of toys. The 6 month old will need more attention but may well spend a lot of the time sleeping.
An old friend/aquaintance I’ve not spoken to in a few years popped up recently and we got chatting a little over text.
I don’t want to put you off, but I’d probably have a plan for what you’re going to do if they start a MLM pitch.
Yes, you’re the arsehole. She’s not asking you to raise the kids, they’re just going to be there while you catch up. You don’t want to meet up with her because of the 2 most important things in her life, so I’d expect she won’t ask you again. Ever.
I have a family friend who comes over with her 2 kids sometimes and it’s not so bad. Alternatively, if you want to catch up more personally than you can over text, but without dealing with a meetup with kids, you might suggest a voice phone call. Phone calls are sort of a lost technology but they still are better than text or email for some kinds of things. If you do the phone call, be honest about why.
NTA yet. You’re not an asshole if you think that way, but you could be depending on how you act
If you suggested a kid free meetup and they said they would bring the kids anyway then the conversation is over - if you tell them you don’t want anything to do with their kids then they will think YTA and you won’t catchup, which is worse than now where you just won’t catchup
Maybe just tell them you’re going somewhere kids can’t come like a bar, and politely decline any offers to meetup elsewhere
I’ve had friends tell me about the same thing happening to them. One particular friend tried to call another one who had become a mom (it was planned) and the mom gave the phone to the kid. The friend politely told them that they wanted to talk to them, not the kid and asked whether there was a better time to call. It went over well.
People really can be quite touchy about their kids, but you can be direct, it’s not like it would change much for you. Just say that you’re not really a baby person and would enjoy the time talking to her. Ask her if there’s a date and time that’s convenient for her without the kids. If she gets offended, then that’s her problem and you can write her off. If she’s understanding, that’s great!
