An old friend/aquaintance I’ve not spoken to in a few years popped up recently and we got chatting a little over text. In the few years since we spoke she’s had two babies by two different guys. They’re ~6 months and ~2-3 years.
She said that we should get coffee and catch up properly, and I was sort of down, although I’m not really that enthusiastic about catching up with someone I’ve frankly not thought about in a few years. But hey, it’s something to do, and it might be interesting. So I suggested a coffee shop near her and asked if she’d be able to get time away from the kids, but she said that no, she’d have to bring the kids along.
I don’t want to be a dick but I’m really not interested in sitting in a coffee shop with two babies. They’re mostly just going to be the focus of the occasion because they need constant attention, and I don’t really like kids in general. And, if they cry or act up and attract attention I will hate that.
AITA? How do I tell her I’m really not interested in sitting with her babies for an afternoon?
I don’t know you so these words aren’t meant to be hurtful, but I wouldn’t want to be your friend.
It sounds like you have nothing in common and aren’t actually interested in their life or you’d be interested in the kids.
The best part is you suggested the coffee shop lol.
Honestly just learn to say no if you don’t want to do something. It might be awkward but it’ll save embarrassment, wasted time and maybe even hurt in the end.
I mean, you’re not a dick, but it will come across that way. She may not have the support structure behind her to be ABLE to get any free time away from the kids. Sometimes this can alienate women and kill any social outlets they have - which is why married couples becomes so introverted after years of marriage. You’ve gotta look out for your own life, so do what you want - but I’m not sure there’s anything you can do 100% that will make her for sure understand.
You tell her that you want to see her, but without the kids
It sounds like you don’t want to see her in the first place, and if you don’t have a close enough relationship to be able to say that you don’t want the kids there, then I’d be asking why you would have coffee with them at all
It’s tricky, and I wish you good luck!
I think I need more details. Why can’t they find childcare? Single mom? No family?
It’s fine to prefer no distractions but at a certain point, you need to meet people where they are.
There’s probably a polite way to suggest something like “I’d love to meet up but maybe we could do it during your lunch break at work so we don’t have distractions.”
You’re not friends, you gotta own up and admit that to yourself and her.
I think you’d be an asshole for accepting an invite to visit with someone you clearly don’t care about anymore who also now has infant/children who you don’t want to see.
In the few years since we spoke she’s had two babies by two different guys.
Flavor text, or judgemental? If you disapprove of her life choices possibly quite strongly, then yes please don’t bother this woman.
Anyways, you won’t an asshole if you just let that already dead friendship stay dead. I dislike children enough to seek out sterilization, so I get it.
Seek out like-minded friends instead and you’ll be all good.
I can only keep up the charade around my niece and nephew for our bi-monthly supper visits. I’m a good uncle for ~6-12 hours a month lol that’s my limit.
If you don’t want to meet her with the kids, there’s little point in meeting her at all. You aren’t going to be hanging out regularly because she will have kids that need to be tended, so why push.
As a parent, we only hang out with other parents at this point, and generally only those that we have developed a relationship with via kids activities (school, sports, etc) because it’s much easier to maintain that relationship when you see them 2-3 times a week for <insert sport> here, or can schedule a lunch/dinner before or after the mutual <insert kids event> here that you know you will both be attending.
If you don’t want to meet her with the kids, there’s little point in meeting her at all.
why does so many people react like this is a date?
Because friendships as parents are essentially just that, you have limited time to out into friends so you have to be selective.
but you’re not going to live with them. you don’t have to abandon an old acquaintance just because they have kids and you are not interested in the kids… it’s not like they are physically attached to them inseparably.
if they can put the kids to the grandparents or the SO can be with them, then why not accept the offer? and if not, like here, just politely decline if you really don’t want to deal with the situation. but you don’t have to alienate yourself at all costs because they have kids.
It’s not about that one acquaintance, it’s about the time allocation for friends. If someone isn’t going to be able to handle my kids, I’m not going to be able to spend enough time with them to make spending time with them valuable to both of us.
I don’t get someone to cover my kids every week, it’s going to only happen maybe once a month, so I’m going to use that valuable time to invest in the people I’m maintaining closer friendships with.
Having 20 friends you see rarely doesn’t make you happier than having 4 friends you see regularly. If you’re single, you can have 20 friends that you see regularly, but that’s almost impossible as a parent with multiple kids.
You’re an AH for this unnecessary detail in particular:
she’s had two babies by two different guys.
Just admit you’re not friends. That’s fine and doesn’t make you an AH. Getting all puritanical over something that does not impact your life does.
No, but it means you’re probably you’re not really a friend anymore. If you’re good with that, everything’s jake.
No you aren’t and you could just respectfully decline for personal reasons.
I think it’s reasonable to respond with something like “I’m really not a kid person, I don’t much enjoy talking about kids or being around kids. I’m still happy to meet for coffee, but maybe we plan to keep it a short chat and see how it goes?”
They’re mostly just going to be the focus of the occasion because they need constant attention, and I don’t really like kids in general. And, if they cry or act up and attract attention I will hate that.
Many places will have toy areas for kids, maybe you can find one (or ask if they can suggest one since they are more likely to know which ones nearby have that). A 2 year old can probably keep themselves mostly entertained off and on for 30 mins or an hour, depending on the specific kid and if there are a good selection of toys. The 6 month old will need more attention but may well spend a lot of the time sleeping.
An old friend/aquaintance I’ve not spoken to in a few years popped up recently and we got chatting a little over text.
I don’t want to put you off, but I’d probably have a plan for what you’re going to do if they start a MLM pitch.
Yes, you’re the arsehole. She’s not asking you to raise the kids, they’re just going to be there while you catch up. You don’t want to meet up with her because of the 2 most important things in her life, so I’d expect she won’t ask you again. Ever.
I have a family friend who comes over with her 2 kids sometimes and it’s not so bad. Alternatively, if you want to catch up more personally than you can over text, but without dealing with a meetup with kids, you might suggest a voice phone call. Phone calls are sort of a lost technology but they still are better than text or email for some kinds of things. If you do the phone call, be honest about why.
NTA yet. You’re not an asshole if you think that way, but you could be depending on how you act
If you suggested a kid free meetup and they said they would bring the kids anyway then the conversation is over - if you tell them you don’t want anything to do with their kids then they will think YTA and you won’t catchup, which is worse than now where you just won’t catchup
Maybe just tell them you’re going somewhere kids can’t come like a bar, and politely decline any offers to meetup elsewhere
I’ve had friends tell me about the same thing happening to them. One particular friend tried to call another one who had become a mom (it was planned) and the mom gave the phone to the kid. The friend politely told them that they wanted to talk to them, not the kid and asked whether there was a better time to call. It went over well.
People really can be quite touchy about their kids, but you can be direct, it’s not like it would change much for you. Just say that you’re not really a baby person and would enjoy the time talking to her. Ask her if there’s a date and time that’s convenient for her without the kids. If she gets offended, then that’s her problem and you can write her off. If she’s understanding, that’s great!
