I got divorced like 5 months ago after a 9 years with this girl who cheated on me, emotionally abused me, etc etc
I’ve been suicidal since the split, getting worse by the day still, and literally nobody ever asked if I was OK, aside from my mom. Even when I begged close friends for support they basically just ghosted me. My ex is surrounded by support, from the same people who I thought were my best friends.
Do I just have shitty people around me or is this just what guys deal with? The attitude towards me is just “get over it”. I’ve lost almost everyone I’m close to because of this and I’m starting to think there might actually be one viable option of getting over it because existing is simply torture. All of 2025 felt like just a bad dream but it’s unfortunately real.
Edit: Yes I have a counselor - a very good one I see weekly.
Can you define what you were asking for in terms of support from your friends? I’ve not been married but I’ve been through some shitty breakups and I’ve never really even considered asking my friends for anything. Like I don’t even know what they could do to help matters. I just had to deal with all the emotional stuff and move on. If anything I think a lot of them would have made the situation more toxic in their efforts to make me feel better.
I’m not asking this to tell you to get over it even though it probably sounds that way. I’m trying to understand what someone else in this situation is actually looking for that will help them. I’m sorry you’re not getting what you need.
Hey man. Late to the party but I feel for you.
Listen, good friends, the lifelong ride or die types- are rarer than fucking diamonds. There are maybe two, maybe three people you meet like that in your whole life. If folks you thought were like that actually aren’t, that sucks but it’s not an indictment of you or your character. Its just the odds. Lots of people suck and go where the good times are, not where they are needed. And it doesn’t mean you can’t meet those diamond people later in life.
Suicide is often seen as an escape because people feel trapped in the “now”. They can’t see the future ahead of them. Well, let me tell you as someone was cheated on, got divorced, had a nervous breakdown, (9 months of meds, doctors and living with my parents) and built his life back brick by brick - new people, new town, new job- you have a future. I’m closer to 40 than 30 these days, and I’m telling you the pain fades. You have a future waiting, if you can get there.
My practical advice is limited. You’re going to feel how you feel for as long as you need to. For me, it was more the shame than the heartbreak. I felt like everyone could see my “failure” stamped on my forehead. That was bullshit, but no amount of people telling me so reduced that feeling. But it is just a feeling. Being cheated on is not a character flaw. Being abused doesn’t mean you deserved it. You’ve got to win the internal fight first - realize that feelings aren’t always reflective of reality and pull out of the tail spin. How you feel is a distortion, and it can be modulated. You’ll get there.
I’m going through a divorce right now. For the most part the friends and people I’ve told have largely been supportive of me. I think it helped that I had friends that were my own and not shared with my ex-wife. The shared friends we had together have mostly supported her, but they were her friends before we had met. One of the things I have done since splitting is getting more involved with my hobby that is improv theater. Finding a hobby where you are around others can help with building a group of friends who know you not through your ex or past relationship. It would make it more likely that they would support you and not her.
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You’re losing friendships by asking for support? Something’s missing here…
I’m going to go against the grain and suggest finding people with like-minded life situations.
I had a friend who has a divorce at age 40. I did all I could as a friend, provide sympathy, check in. But he was extremely miserable, or just downright offensive.
Dating is hard at that age - I get it. I don’t need to hear his opinion about why women of today aren’t what he wants in every conversation.
I also cannot play his wingman. No, I’m not going to “pretend” to flirt with girls at a bar with him when I’m married.
But it became offensive. Like my niece turned into an adult and he asked: “Is she looking for a man?” Dude, you’re twenty years older. WTF.
Joke or not, as a married man, that’s not where I am in life. And yeah, I absolutely stopped hanging out with him because this version of him is hard to deal with.
Not really, after my divorce I was never contacted again by those friends. Fuck em.
He would loose friendship by asking for support, if there was true friendship in the first place. Although it is hard for OP to see how these ppl tread him, at least he got to know their true faces.
Either they’re not friends or
OP misinterprets their behavior, and they actually are supporting, just not the way/amount OP wants or
“friends” believe OP is at fault and nobody is feeling sympathetic.
I guess they could also just be terrible people that decided to shit on OP for shits n giggles. But I doubt it.
In a variety of ways, people communicate to men, ‘Please don’t need anything from me, because I have nothing to give you.’
Counseling. Please. Quickly.
Weekly. Last session was yesterday.
Good for you. Keep at it, and don’t just think all counselors are the same. If yours is not working for you, just change. No real counselor will be upset if you do.
They will never suggest change themselves
This is the fourth counselor I have had in my life and this guy is by far the best one. I was recommended him by a coworker whom I respect very much.
Medicine helps too. I’m on Bupropion now, after having suicidal thoughts on Lexapro. It’s a good one for me; it has completely eliminated the ideations, even though things in life have actually gotten worse.
I am on lexapro for 5 years and honestly i didn’t think about swapping stuff. Maybe i should ask about adding welbutrin.
Dude. Coming off Lexapro SUCKS, but I’m glad i did.
That’s why im afraid to do so. 5 years taking it. I feel really good on it though, but maybe the effect has faded and I cant even tell. But when i got on it i felt so good.
If you still have a decent hairline be aware that Bupropion is the antidepressant with the strongest association with hair loss according to a meta analysis from ~5 years ago. I know it nuked my hairline after just 3-4 months of being on it.
And to reply to your original topic, yeah, women receive way more support post-breakup in my experience, while men are expected to just suck it up. As a male you’re treated as disposable whose worth is based on what he can offer others, while women are inherently valued for being female.
It is what it is.
Are you ok? I cant do much for ya but sorry no one has gotten outside themselves enough to see youre hurting.
Do I just have shitty people around me or is this just what guys deal with?
The latte,.been there done that 30 years ago albeit I keft (no cheating involved)
Good licwk amd hope u can come out the other side and not be bitter.
Because women get support for things like this while men don’t. Because equality = modern rights + old world preferential treatment.
That reads very incel-ish…
Yes, we don’t have true equality yet, and your analysis seems correct at first glance. However, women still have it worse, believe me. A lot of medical research focuses on men and ignores women, they still don’t get taken seriously in many fields of work, they still are the main victims of sexual assault, etc. All negative things applying to men that I can think of are things we are doing to ourselves. Like the ideal msculine image pushed in media is entirely due to men. No woman ever designed a stoic superhero with pure muscle and a sixpack.
Your assessment isn’t incorrect, it just ignores why things are the way they are.
That being said, the situation sucks for OP and they deserve better friends.
Go try telling people about your experience with being an SA victim. My experience is basically a bunch of people telling me about how women have it worse or even accusations of lying. Your counter argument is focused on the past or around conservatives. Liberals should know better.
I’m not trying to dismiss any experiences. All I’m saying is us men can’t blame women for being in our current situation. If I misread what you were getting at, I’m sorry.
Well when that most of that comes from women. I just want to stop having to pretend that women are entirely innocent and men are the sole cause of alm the problems
It really depends on what exactly you mean by “the cause of all the problems”.
If you’re talking about your personal problems, like having your experiences dismissed and social expectations of stoicism etc., women are absolutely also part of the problem.
What I’m trying to say is that those women didn’t become like that because they chose so consciously. Their behavior is the result of the very same social norms you are struggling with, which have largely been created by men for men.
So they get a free pass.
Every time I read about male loneliness, see it in my life in other men, I can only relate, as a woman.
I left a DV situation myself, and found no support anywhere. I ended up starting over in a town bout two hours away from where I knew, and it was literally just me and a baby for four years. Some weeks the only conversations I had with another adult were at work, ir standing at a cash register buying something. I had made one friend, but then she had to go and die. I just had no one to rely on or vent to.
One of the hardest times of my life. In '16 I remember messaging my brother, who at this point I honestly think just lost respect for me for being in a DV relationship, so he didn’t talk to me much, we had once been close. I remember asking him to come over one weekend, I had a grill and some food and beers, offered him money for gas as he lived an hour away. He told me weekends were girlfriend time (7 year relationship). So I explained I was really low, and no one I knew in my life had known me more than a year, I just would really like to laugh with somone who actually knows me, like my brother, and be like we used to and have a fun night.
He told me bluntly, he does not feel pity for people and he couldn’t make it. So cold. I cried like you would when a close family member dies.
I’m watched my husband win the battle with his alcohol addiction. He had a low tolerance socializing before, it’s only gotten worse with sobriety. He’s picking up a hobby now, and after four years sober, maybe not making friends, but sharing a hobby with other dudes. I encourage him as much as I can to continue this.
I’ve met many men who keep social, but I’ve also seen many recluse themselves as they age, and it’s nothing new.
I’m a woman, and I have felt gut wrenching loneliness for so many years of my life. My 30th birthday I tried to work overtime, but ended up leaving, going home to an empty house. When you can only spend $15 on frivious things, I chose vodka, cried myself dry on the bathroom floor, alone, for my birthday. No one messaged me. The guy I was dating didnt even know it was my birthday. I’ve had so many friends pass away too young, and yeah, I protect myself from hurt by not putting myself out there. Im greatful for my husband and son. Loneliness may appear in different ways in different genders, And the media may take that to the extremes. But loneliness is a human thing, it is not gendered
Im sorry OP isnt getting support, I for sure know that sucks. But at least you know whats real and whats not now. Fresh starts are liberating. This is your liberation, and a chance to remake your life in the way you want. I wish OP health and happiness
Yes, you appear to have shitty people around you, and sadly it is very common for men to deal with this after a divorce. Keep talking to a counselor, dude.
Yeah this is what men deal with & guess what you’ll be gaslit into thinking that YOU WERE THE PROBLEM all along eventhough evidence suggests otherwise.
Anecdotal, but this has been my experience in every big breakup. All of them were abusive, most physically so, and all of them got to keep the shared friend group. People are shit.
Hey homie, I see you’re a Canadian, so if you also are an Ottawan and want a sympathetic ear I’d be happy to buy you a beer and chat, and/or help you drown it out for an evening with pinball and loud guitars if that’s your speed. Serious offer - if it’s of interest don’t hesitate to PM, if not no worries whatsoever. Edit: Shit - based on your MP you’re not. Offer amended to if you take a trip out here/an open PM inbox
There’s a lot of good comments in this thread. In my experience, it’s a combination of factors - sometimes a product of your ex shit talking you to your friends, if they were “both of your friends”; often, simply a lack of ability to really relate/be helpful in these situations, and over time getting frustrated with that situation and just saying “bro, get over it”. Guys often have a hard time sharing their emotions or holding space for those of their friends, for a lot of reasons.
I have more thoughts on this stuff, but don’t know if they would be useful to you. The only thing I can tell you is that it can be a dark, lonely and painful road. But it can get better, and to be crude - it is 100% not worth killing yourself over some bitch (because, based on what you’ve shared, that’s how she specifically was behaving and acting towards you) who made you feel like shit for a long time. All that would mean is that you let her define how your life ended. Fuck. That. You’re worth more than that.
If you are even asking this question, or asking such a question on this website, you are 0-10 behind.
Capitalism’s need for men is exponentially decreasing. Big milestones: industrial revolution, 1970s, big tech’s dominance.
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