There is this girl I like, she knows I would like to go on a date with her someday. She isn’t sure what she wants at the moment. That’s all fine but I genuinely begin to develop feelings for her. And I just don’t really care all that much for a friendship anymore. It screws with my psyche, it’s like only being allowed to smell a fine wine instead of drinking it. (bad analogy, but fuck it)
I’ve had enough. I just want to tell her I don’t like seeing her on just a friendship level any more. And if she doesn’t see me as a romantic partner, which is totally A-okay fine with me, but it will mean I’m walking away from this friendship all together. At the same time I don’t want to force her to make a decision (she sometimes has trouble saying no). And here’s the real son of a gun, she is highly suicidal and takes endings of friendship badly (as she herself has said).
So does anyone have any advice to spare here? Yes, I’m a terrible person so think of it for her sake. Because the friendship is going to end, one way or the other.
End the friendship now.
She doesn’t want you plus the suicidal ideations complicate matters.
Don’t make it a thing, just stop being in her life slowly. It doesn’t need to be an event, just stop being around her.
You’re taking the wrong path, I see some things that you may not be considering.
Friendships don’t need to be defined by beginnings and ends. The gentlest way to cool a friendship is to spend less time with them.
Spending time within someone you find attractive doesn’t screw with your psyche. An internal cycle of hope and rejection does.
She already rejected you, you said it in the post. ‘Its not the right time’ is not an invitation to wait, it’s a gentle no (and it’s much worse approach than just saying no). Accept it and move on. If your thoughts wander to oh but maybe we could be together if I do something - remind yourself she said no. If you need further clarification ask again.
Threatening to end the friendship for a romantic relationship has zero good outcomes. If you can’t handle the rejection or don’t want to be her friend, then stop making time to see her. The only reason to explain that it is ‘because you want more’, is the thought that it will change her mind - remember emotional manipulation is gross and rapey but don’t worry you haven’t done it yet. Thinking about things isn’t doing them.
Also, you sound like a young man, so I just want to affirm that the drive to have sex can be wild strong, and make clear thinking hard. It’s okay, just remember you don’t want be with someone who you can get to agree to a relationship with you, you want to be with someone who wants to be in a relationship with you. Everyone is worth that much.
🤮
I’ve been in the same position. Let her know that it’s too emotionally challenging maintaining a friendship due to your strong feelings. Be prepared to end all contact to protect yourself.
You gotta shoot your shot and then be prepared to walk away if they’re not interested. It’s as simple as that. I’ve ended a few friendships with women I’ve developed a crush on as once I had a crush, they weren’t really friendships anymore.
If she’s actively suicidal then she is no place to start a new relationship and I do not think you should be persuing it. Suicidal depression is nothing to fuck with. I hope you understand the magnitude of that. Also you said she has trouble saying no. You really don’t want to end up dating her just because she’s scared to say no. That’s completely fucked up at so many levels.
This girl has to take care of herself and work through her issues. You can support her as a friend, but if it causes you distress then you need to back off and let her utilize her other support systems. If she is telling you she doesn’t know what she wants, then I would listen to her and respect that. You make the choice - can you be her friend only and support her while not feeling bad yourself? If yes, support her. If not, move on. My personal opinion is you should move on and maybe approach her in the future once she’s healthy, if the timing is right. Or just move on and you’ll find someone else.
Send her this. It’s honest, plus she’ll have time to think instead of feeling pressured to respond instantly.
I’d like to be friends but only if we can have sex.
Doesn’t really sound like a rock solid friendship there.
That analogy is unfair to our genial mobster Fat Tony. People in romantic relationships often do everything friends would do and more. Fat Tony isn’t pursuing a romantic relationship because he’s shallow. He’s looking to back out of the relationship because it’s too painful for him to not have the romantic aspect.
It’s going to be much less common for people to avoid friendships because they’re so horny for the person they get blue balls. In your analogy, the person doesn’t want the friendship because they don’t even like the other person’s company and only want to fuck. Fat Tony likes this person too much.
A) It’s not an analogy, it’s a summation of facts.
B) I would put heavy money says F Tony finds this person fairly attractive and bizzarely, this situation hasn’t arisen with an unattractive female friend.
C) I’ve been that asshole, I get it. But personally, a huge part of maturing from a boy to a man was learning the difference between friendship and romance, and that a friendship with an attractive woman who seems super compatible doesn’t mean a romantic relationship is the next or best step. (Also, how fucking shitty is this to our lady friends?) It’s a weird lesson and not one that everyone learns but my God, the world opens up once/if you do figure it out.
Maybe your old self is projecting a lot of your past struggles into Tony here. You’re the one equating taking a girl out on a date with having sex.
Maybe but I think you either really want this guy to be the good guy here or you’re not reading particularly critically. This guy makes an actual analogy of friendship as “like only being allowed to smell a fine wine instead of drinking it.” which is pretty gross, like the point of friendship is actually dating or nothing. (No one buys a wine to smell it, whereas most normal people can just be friends of whatever gender to be friends.)
And this isn’t a case of “she just doesn’t know how I feel!” as he states at the beginning she knows, so she is un interested or not in the right space.
And yeah, “You’re the one equating taking a girl out on a date with having sex.” because what most dating is about is a platonic hand holding?
I get I’m online and this place skews young, male and not particularly social but this is fairly goshdarn creepy. Like, is this guy unable to function around interesting women who have partners? Or is it just that this woman has the audacity to be single while he’s single and RIGHT HERE and they’re already friends so clearly she owes him? Ugh.
Edit: I don’t think Lemmy has enough women for a vibrant NiceGuys community but if you’re still on reddit, you should give r/NiceGuys a whirl. It’s kind of full of this self pitying “but I’m her friend, surely she should want to date me” kinda creepiness.
Perhaps.
I think you’re making a mistake though only thinking there is platonic and sexual. There are romantic aspects to many relationships which are neither.
I think it takes a wild leap to say that the guy who compared being friends and unable to date as smelling wine but not being allowed to drink it, what he really wants is the soulful bond of a romantic relationship in an asexual manner. That’s just a completely wild interpretation supported by nothing other than, I dunno, wanting it to be the case?
Not enough to value her friendship, feelings, personal experiences, shared experiences and bond they had over potentially banging her!
“Possibility of sex, or else I’m throwing it all out.”
How romantic. 💖
Exactly! “Hey, being a friend is great but not great enough that I value it if you won’t sleep with me!” And worse, the guy seems to know she’s in a bad place and is just “yeah, sure, but what about me??? I wanna sleep with her, she knows this and hasn’t acted on it so either lemme bang or gtfo, fuck your mental state.”)
Also, love the picture.
Oh just fuck off you dipshit, good luck developing any real friendships
See, what you do is, step 1, buy a mansion. With a huge basement.
Step 2, install several cages in that basement. Full iron bar.
Step 3, hire ninjas to use sleeping darts on her to knock her out.
Step 4, imprison her naked in one of your many basement cells. Each of these cells has a human sized hampster wheel. She now has to run on this hampster wheel all day. Doing so produces electricity, which powers your house.
Step 5, repeat steps 3-4 until all the cells are filled with more naked slaves!
Step 6, install webcams and start a business called “WeRunOnHampsterWheels.com”. Create a new fetish based on bouncy boobs running on a hampster wheel, which you now have a temporary monopoly on, and a head start, and an unfair advantage in being able to create live content 24/7 for free.
Never once show your face in this house. Ever.
Step 7, after years of hampster wheel slavery, you “break into” the mansion, and find this woman you used to know who hasn’t been seen in like 15 years.
Step 8, tell her you COULD get the key hanging on the wall, and set her free…but you only want to see her in a dating sense.
She’ll be so thsnkful that she’ll agree to anything.
Checkmate!
Where am I supposed to get a hamster wheel??
Also, I feel like at that last stage we may as well just remain friends.
See…this is why you’re having trouble finding dates. Women love a man who has his shit together, and has multiple hampster wheels!
I love your commitment to spelling “hampster” with a “p”. At first I thought it was a typo, but now I see it’s crucial to the thing.
But New Hampshire and dumpster have a p…!!
Edit: I JUST FIGURED IT OUT. YOU, CHILD OF THE 90s, IT’S BECAUSE HAMPSTER DANCE WAS SPELLED WITH A P. We are fine, we are sane, but we are still recovering from the 90s Internet. Oh, in so many ways. I can’t believe it took me 30+ years to realize the origin of the P.
Just be nice, say your romantic feelings are getting to you too much and that you want to back off if you can’t purshe them. Staying open to occasional contact (like by email) is a lot better than cutting the person off completely.
Getting involved with someone with serious mental health issues doesn’t sound like a great idea either, if they’re not under some reasonable level of control.
If you would break it off either way, just tell them how you feel. The worst that happens is she doesn’t feel the same and you stop seeing them. But the potential she feels the same is there, too.
Sometimes things end because someone wants something the other doesn’t. That’s ok. It’s life.
But if you never take the shot, then you’re keeping something alive in hopes of some potential future breakthrough, and that’s not fair to you (or them) either.
So, rip the bandaid off and commit. If that’s not what she wants, that’s on her, and you can move on.
And please, please, please remember— her mental health issues are her own and not yours to solve or navigate like a minefield.
Put your own needs first. You clearly know that continuing on a platonic level will make you suffer, due to unreciprocated feelings. It’s great that you’re trying to be compassionate and considerate of how she might respond, but in the end you can’t know or control her reaction. Be honest and explain the dilemma you see yourself in.
As someone who had this mindset from social pressure in their younger years, you should get over yourself. A friendship and a dating/sexual relationship can be separated by being able to let go of the feeling of being rejected.
Because the friendship is going to end, one way or the other.
Your feelings of being rejected are valid, your reaction is counter productive in the long run. Try to be friends, let the rejection go. Focus on putting yourself out there to find someone else.
