I bet this sounds like a stupid question - especially coming from a man. However, NoStupidQuestions doesn’t allow NSFW topics, so here I am - bear with me.
I genuinely don’t know what this feels like from the inside. I see so many men go to extreme lengths to chase women - sometimes even risking their careers or relationships just to get laid. Some are literally willing to pay for it. I don’t get it. What does that pull actually feel like?
I’m not judging - I’m trying to understand. I only know what it looks like from the outside, but I have no idea what it’s like on the inside. I’ve had sex multiple times, and it’s fine, but it seems vastly overrated to me. Clearly, I’m not getting out of it what most other men are, so I’m trying to understand the baseline experience.
My motivation for asking is that I’m working on myself and hoping that, eventually, I’ll be able to feel even a fraction of that same pull. However, with things like lifting weights, I at least have a clear image in mind of what I’m working toward - but it’s harder to define that when it comes to subjective experiences.
You know when you’re talking to someone and they have maybe a crumb or flake on their face, and you can’t help but be drawn to watch it just in case it falls, but whether it does or doesn’t fall that wouldn’t impact you in any way? But it’s distracting anyway?
That’s all women’s chests. I’m not lecherous, I have a wife and female friends, I’m vigilant and keep it in check, but I’m compelled to check on them over and over. My wife’s, stranger’s, doesn’t matter. Even if I’ve seen my wife’s every day while she was changing for 11 years. What if they were to sway a certain way? What if there was a slight bounce and I missed it? What if the fabric became taut and revealed a line beneath. Or a shape. Perhaps a slight nub in the center? Was that there a second ago? Does that mean anything? I’d better check back to see if it changes again. The buttons on her blouse are slightly stretched, and if she moves just right I may be able to see a glimpse of skin. Not breast skin, goodness no, just any skin currently covered by the shirt. If I’m lucky it’ll have some shadow on it to imply shape. This dress has a dip in the front. I wonder if I could… It would never reveal anything. It wouldn’t. But what if it did. I can’t know unless I look. This shirt is slightly sheer in the light. What’s beneath?
The fabric stretched across her backside displays lines when she bends slightly forward. Now I know she’s wearing underwear. I mean, of course she is, everyone is… but now I know she is. And its shape. Her bum looks soft. Cushioned. If I were up against it I could really- No! No. But I could. And it would press against me. Stop it. And I could reach forward from behind, slide my hands up her sides and cup her- No! No Goddammit! They look like they’d be soft. In my hands.
The older woman in black’s shirt just slid slightly up above her waistline, revealing a sliver of skin. There was nothing unexpected or special about this skin. It wasn’t overtly attractive, but I saw it. It was covered and I saw it. Does she know I saw it? I’m glad I saw it.
The waitress in the tight shirt smiled at me. She’s younger than me, but not too young. Right? No. I mean, it’d be a little creepy, but not like… creepy creepy right? And maybe she’s into that? Probably not, it’s clearly all about tips. She’s a professional, she knows what she’s doing. Yeah she does… Besides, what could even happen. I’m getting dinner, with my wife, and she probably doesn’t even get off for hours. But… just statistically some younger women are into older guys right? And I’m not complete dogshit. It’s clearly about just being nice, it’s part of the service industry. Is it so unbelievable that any woman could find me attractive? Is that fucking impossible? No but- She smiled while looking into my eyes. That’s something right? No. It’s not, I was just passing the machine back to her after paying. Her lips look soft. Maybe no one’s ever kissed her well before. Like sure she’s probably had a lot of male interest, but they were probably all douchebags. They probably didn’t even care about her pleasure. I could. I mean I would. Like, if I weren’t here and she weren’t here and we met at a different time and place and things were casual, I think she’d be lucky for me to show her… What the fuck am I even…
When she turned to leave a thin line of her underwear flashed briefly above her yoga pants. Now I know they’re blue.
When I say “I’m a pervert”, this is what I mean.
This exactly describes my relationship with women, AND food.
I am in a happy, loving, faithful relationship.
Morbid obesity is killing me.
oh man the I need to look at the person and not stare there but also not avoid staring there. I always fail and pretty much end up moving from looking at the forehead and sorta above each shoulder. The really annoying thing is I know the woman can totally tell im trying to keep my gaze of them.
Ugh, same. Back when I was married both in spirit and law, there was a nice, well-endowed bartender at my local. I had no designs on anything at all, wanted to just have regular ol’ barfly-bartender platonic chatter. Here was my inner monologue:
Don’t stare at her boobs, don’t stare at her boobs, oh god I’m looking at her boobs, look UP you fucking creep she doesn’t need that shit; ok, maybe just identify all the liquor bottles behind her - THAT’S A FUCKING BOOB KNOCK IT OFF - k, Wisers, Captain Morgan’s, some coffee liqueur - wait, she said something. What did she say? Oh shit, she’s got the customer service scowl on and has covered herself. Congrats, Cracks, you are now officially one of the creepy guys, no better than the alkie dude who asks for hugs. God damn it - go play some pinball and go home.
Stupid lizard brain. Doesn’t happen all the time with every woman (thank fuck, that would be paralyzing), but awkward as fuck for everyone involved when it does.
Thing about tip jobs is that woman are much more likely to wear something low cut or whatnot. Work at least is almost the opposite were it was more a random choice made a particular day. Although that might make it worse like over time if the bartender is always wearing low cut things you might get used to it enough to ignore it. LOL. case in point dolly parton is on the telly atm and she is so recognizable I don’t feel I stare at her cleavage.
wow this is really good writing, answering such a complex question so thoroughly
This is the answer I was trying to put into words.
Wow, if there was any dount I was demi before you removed it
Glad I could help 😛
Naturally, normal qualifiers apply: everyone exists at some place on a spectrum, this does not describe all experiences, etc.
But given the numbers and vibe of comments, it seems like it resonates with some people who aren’t you 😉
Well written this is exactly it, but it’s only half of it.
It’s even worse when I’m horny for someone specific and she’s not around. Too many days I’ve found myself unable to focus on anything, walking around in a living daydream where she is there. In front of me everywhere I look. Distracting me from whatever I’m trying to do. I can’t break out of it to be fully in the present
Like slipping into a daydream during a long day after a night with little sleep.
I’m a man with crippling depression and anxiety who has never had sex or been in a relationship. I jerk off sometimes three times a day (exception rather than the rule) to porn I fucking hate. When I try to watch something I actually like I can’t seem to get hard enough. My therapist I used to see says it’s not even me being horny it’s loneliness combined with touch starvation. So, I don’t know if I can even answer in a way that’s helpful now that I’m thinking of it. It seems what I thought of as being horny is a coping mechanism. Though I will say being horny is like being drunk, it can cloud your judgment. Testosterone is a hell of a drug. That’s all I can say with certainty.
Idk, what does it feel like to not be horny?
Its like when I randomly think “I could really do with a corneto”, " I could do with a smoke". “I could do with a shag”. Its an implosive thought and like others it doesn’t serve much beyond enjoyment.
You are acknowledging this is NSFW but didn’t use the NSFW flag?
I feel like text can never be NSFW.
To me, NFSW is for stuff that people could see over your shoulder in the subway or in an open space, idk.
Idk I think text can be NSFW. Really in the sense that it’s literally not safe for work. If someone saw you reading this thread at work that might not be a good look.
Anyways, I’m not even complaining or saying that I really think this is NSFW. Just that OP thinks it is, yet still didn’t use the flag.
Closest analogy I can think of is hunger, only I am more motivated to satisfy one than the other. Guess which.
Something like this:
The Simpsons - Homer gives Bart advice on women
Imagine it differs per person, as with pretty much anything about us, a spectrum.
Would say it is mostly about having a real human connection filled with love and the good feels. Instinctual, comparable to how many women feel about ‘needing’ to have children. Consider it a base requirement for a fulfilling life, like shelter, food, water, air.
Some people appear to have enough loving only themselves in that way (or not at all); perhaps they just have not yet found the right person. Of the many ways to express love, this is one of the most basic.
For me, being horny is akin to having just eaten something salty and feeling thirsty. You will usually drink, but if you’re unable to, you’ll still be fine for a while.
When I’m horny, I want to have sex, but it’s not absolutely essential and I can do without.
Horniness is the thirst and it can be fully quenched by having sex with a woman and achieving orgasm. Like most sexually active men, I have a built-in procreative urge. This gives me a natural desire to impregnate a woman that I’m having sex with. Which is why condoms are important, you can trick your brain into feeling like you’ve achieved your natural purpose without actually doing it 😁
I feel like there’s multiple answers to your question and none of them are going to completely satisfy you(ba-dum-tiss)
First and easiest, is addiction. While it’s been overused as an excuse for bad behavior some people become absolutely addicted to sex. From the chase to the event. Could be they enjoy conquering or being conquered. And you can’t discount the absolute flood of feel good chemicals that go on while the event does. And still there are others who are just addicted to that level of intimate connection with another living human being.
Then we have the psychological and romantic viewpoint that often comes with it. The idea of being desired and desiring. Of being wanted and wanting. And that’s a potent psychological trigger for a lot of people. And then on a deeper level you’ve got that some people this is the most intimate they’ll ever be with another person and that’s something they don’t get to feel very often So when the opportunity or presents itself they want to do that.
And lastly you just have a biological imperative in a lot of people. For some of us are hardwiring screams a lot louder than it does for other people.
Recurring, almost obsessive thoughts about certain acts and situations. Vivid imagination of how the body feels during the act. Both to a level where your objectives and priorities are narrowed down to achieving these feelings / situations / acts IRL. Inner tension that can only be relieved by reaching this goal.
That sounds dangerously close to addiction.
It’s the other way around. Addicting things like drugs etc. are mimicking or triggering the natural endorphins, which are released in sex.
The reason addicts say that drugs are better than sex is that they do the same thing, but the drugs are 100% successful, easier to obtain and dose.
Sex is an instinct, a naturally born addiction. Sex addiction is a different thing though. That’s when people can’t control their urges.
Because it is/can be for many. Like most addictions, ones life may or may not be severely impacted
https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Sexual_addiction
That said I think it’s individually complicated. For some it may be an addiction, for others it’s a warped view of sex within society.
Honestly, that tracks. I think addiction starts when something is causing you issues and, personally, the hijacking of the thoughts is an issue for me. As in, I want to think about something else, but the brain makes it hard
Yes but at least for me I’m fine for a week or two afterwards.
I can’t answer because I have it exactly the same as you OP, just maybe to add some points. As you said, I remember seeing my friends having this incredible drive, this incredible pull, like nothing in the world is more important right here right now than get to that girl tonight. Lying, backstabbing, spending money, anything goes. It was to the point they basically changed personalities almost completely. I remember the worst example was that one time one of my best friends tried to ridicule me in front of a girl he met like 30 min ago (and I saw he’s immediately interested in her), because me and her were chatting about something and she seemed interested in the topic. I was like “dude wtf? I’m not trying to ‘steal her’ from you, we’re just talking”
But anyway, some 2 cents what helped me with that. So I did 2 things at almost the same time and I’m not sure which one did the trick - I started exercising and stopped masturbating. But my guess is it was the later, after like a month I felt like I could ‘smell the colors’ - I was constantly horny and my shyness went almost completely away. The pull still wasn’t on the level of my friends, but yeah, there was a change in me
You quit masturbating or porn and masturbating? If it’s the latter, then how do you know masturbating was the issue?
I’ve never seen nofap advice given in good faith.
Refraining from sex accumulates a lot of energy/will in you, it’s great (in moderation). After a week or two I experience a huge buildup in confidence and motivation. It’s just difficult getting to that point, heheh
From my time on Reddit I find people find nofap then start listening to Ben Shapiro and Joe Rogan and next thing you know they’re brown shirts for the GOP.
Wow, ok. What’s the link exactly ? is it religion/abstinence ? but Shapiro and Rogan are not particularly religious are they ?
The idea that refraining from masturbating builds up some kind of internal energy is pretty popular in the incel community, a kind of modern take on conservative daoist sexual energy beliefs. Once you start really looking into it, this stuff feeds directly into the manosphere since they talk all the time about it. It’s also not really a new thing, just reworked to be algorithm friendly.
I’m skeptical of the whole nofap idea - at least in the “never masturbate again” sense - because the scientific consensus seems to be that masturbation is fine, even beneficial, in moderation. Porn, however, is a different story. It might be more like alcohol: objectively harmful even in moderation, but in practice the negative effects are negligible for most moderate users. You could even make an argument that it has some situational upsides. But there are also people who clearly develop real issues with it - where it starts to affect their lives in negative ways. When it comes to porn, I’m one of those people.
Now, if I stop masturbating, that automatically means I’ve quit porn too - and it’s very possible I’ll see an improvement in my life satisfaction as a result. I can see how someone might then turn into a nofap advocate, but I think the risk there is misattributing the cause. The problem probably isn’t masturbation itself - it’s porn.
I’ve quit both for now, but I do plan to start masturbating again at some point. Porn, though, I’m not sure I should even try to moderate. For me, that’s like an addict saying they’ll only try a little heroin.
Wait, you’re not certain what horniness feels like, but you consider yourself somewhat of a porn addict? Now I need YOU to explain how you feel :P
I’ve read through most of the comments here and many of them ring true to me. Especially this one: https://lemmy.ca/comment/19383774
I am that pervert. Not outwardly, but inside my head? Yeah. Sex is on my mind often, and I use porn as an outlet to kindle and experience those urges when it wouldn’t otherwise be appropriate. I’ve started taking ADHD meds and a lot of that day to day horniness has gone away, simply because my mind isn’t idle as often, and when it’s idle or bored that’s when it reaches for the junk food: lust. Porn (or sex), when I’m in that state, is the most interesting thing in the world. I could, and do, watch it for an hour or more to draw out the experience because sexual energy is so mental for me. It’s what makes kinks so attractive because sex becomes a mind game.
So, with that aside, can you explain to me what exactly you find attractive about porn to the point you think it might be an impediment, if you don’t feel really horny? My GF has a low libido and as a result she rarely watches porn, so I’m not sure how the two mix. She also enjoys orgasms, but doesn’t seek them, and when she does watch porn to get off she does it quickly and doesn’t really relish it. She definitely doesn’t have an addiction, but maybe you can still help me better understand her, and other perspectives a little better. Because yeah, in my mind porn has always equaled horny.
Porn and masturbation feel good. It’s the physical stimulation I’m addicted to - porn just amplifies it. You can even take it further with porn, drugs, and masturbation combined. It’s not about having an itch that I’m trying to get rid of; it’s about the sensation of scratching it that I crave. I start watching porn and masturbating first, and only then does the feeling of “horniness” follow. The idea of walking around with that itch - without having first triggered it through stimulation - is completely foreign to me. And honestly, I don’t need anyone else to scratch it for me - I’m better at it myself.
It sounds like you’re describing having a responsive sex drive. That’s usually attributed more to women, but is still completely normal for guys from what I’ve read. My GF is the same in that she can get in the mood from attention, but the desire doesn’t come to her often out of nowhere.
I come from the spontaneous sex drive side, so it’s hard to imagine not being in the mood or not having these thoughts come up all the time. I go to porn because my mind craves the sexual energy. Sometimes I’ll watch or read it without masturbating because the feeling of arousal and mental stimulation is so enjoyable.
I like and accept who I am, but honestly if I take a step back and look at things objectively, would I recommend having a high sex drive? Probably not. When you see random people walking down the street you check them out. When you get introduced to a coworker’s friend you immediately think of fucking them and try to keep your eyes off their tits the whole night. You know people are more than objects, but your caveman brain is still there telling you otherwise. It’s kind of a biological curse, but it can be a lot of fun. If you’re happy with what you have then that’s probably fine.
No, I kind of agree - in a way, it is a superpower. Not wanting something is as good as having it. The desire to have sex with someone doesn’t cloud my judgment. I don’t have to waste mental or physical energy chasing something that’ll just come around again anyway. I’m free to use that time and energy for other things, while still being able to enjoy romantic relationships and non-sexual intimacy.
The problem is that what I was told growing up - that women don’t really want sex and men have to beg for it - just hasn’t matched my experience. Women do want sex, and when you’re the one who doesn’t, it can really mess up your relationships. I know women like that exist, and I’d love to find one - but for whatever reason, I seem to attract the wrong kind.
I think women more often have responsive sex drives like I mentioned earlier. This causes an imbalance where they are perceived to “not want sex” because they don’t seek it at the rate men do. Mix that with social norms over the years where women’s livelyhood was tied to men and it’s natural they would bait men with it in some capacity. This is a broad generalization of course, but lines up with the anecdotes you heard growing up.
How often is too often for you? Once a day, week, month? Are you just out of your teens, young adult, or middle aged?
I’ve done NNN a couple times and found the “benefits” to be pretty minor. It did make me more aggressive and outgoing but that started after a few days and leveled off quickly and by the end of it I was practically foaming at the mouth anytime anything remotely sexy happened which was really annoying… So if jerking too much is dulling your edge maybe cut back to every few days but otherwise I don’t see what all the fuss is about.
Sex can be fun, but tbh a lot of it is pretty underwhelming, especially if you don’t understand each other, put in some effort or have good chemistry. When my partner and I are on holiday or have lots of free time we often have sex three or four times a day. But that’s not because it’s always mind-blowing, most of the time it’s just a fun thing to do together.
The ‘horny man’ thing is a bit different. There’s a kinda of arousal and drive that isn’t really about the objective fun of sex, but the sense of pursuit. There’s people I’ve slept with where the specific sextime wasn’t necessarily amazing, but I had a huge crush on them and the feeling of satisfaction from finally hooking up was amazing. For me, that’s usually pretty innocent “oh wow, I didn’t know they liked me!” , but for some guys it’s about perceived status in quite a douchey Andrew Tate kinda way.
There’s also the genuine instinctual drive aspect. Times where I’ve not had sex in a while, and been thinking about it a lot (like visiting a long distance partner) it can make me pretty crazy. Especially if you do edging or orgasam denial, you can end up in a pretty delirious place. When that has built up for a while I definitely get to the stage where I will do super reckless things just to get release. For me, that’s never a big problem because I only get in that state through choice, if I’m not planning on having sex with my partner I’ll just jerk off and the urgency is gone. But the experience has given me a bit of understanding of why men sometimes do terrible and destructive things because of sex. I can literally feel my brain shutting down, and all sense of consequences disappearing.
I would say it’s like a strong appetite for food.
Imagine you just ate, you pass a street vendor and the food looks and smells delicious. You have the time, the money to stop and get some street food. Maybe it’s bad for your health, but it’s worth it in the moment.
I see so many men go to extreme lengths to chase women - sometimes even risking their careers or relationships just to get laid.
That’s dumb, it’s a strong desire and it can make you do dumb stuff like buying 2-3x the street food amount you can eat, but it’s not irresistible and the people who do dumb stuff just haven’t learned restraint.
Someone who cheats doesn’t cheat because they’re horny, they cheat because they never properly valued the relationship they’re in to begin with. Same for the career stuff, they probably got away with it so far, and they go too far like people go over the speed limit with their car. Whatever risk exists, they think it doesn’t apply to them or that situation.
eventually, I’ll be able to feel even a fraction of that same pull.
I don’t think it’s a thing you can train or learn, it’s too biological. And it’s not worth chasing that much. Staying with the food metaphor, some people love food so much, they travel, learn to cook, experiment, it’s a whole hobby. And others are fine with mostly eating the same food every day, use little spices and never learn even to cook good simple dishes like pasta with a decent sauce.
If it’s a problem in your relationship because your partner doesn’t feel valued that way, solve it the same way you answer what to eat: go along with what they want, surprise them with a visit to a restaurant you know they like etc… But also talk and explain to them that you will probably not change that way and they have to accept that.
it’s not irresistible and the people who do dumb stuff just haven’t learned restraint.
Just want to point out Compulsive Sexual Behavior Disorder (CBSD) is somewhat recognized depending on who you ask. The topic of sex addiction is a bit controversial and I believe usually gets lumped in with gambling addiction. This doesn’t really invalidate what you said, just tries to add some context around why people might be driven to self-destructive actions like that.
I’ve often seen sex addiction added to other addictions when discussing ADHD or other mental issues. Gambling, alcohol, drugs, and sex.
