Hello. For context, I am in a university. I do not have any friends, and it feels like colleagues talk bad about me. This makes me quite hesitant to join any circles or attend seminars. I am not sure it is everyone who thinks bad about me though, I fear about asking. Yet I plan to do research, so I should attend seminars to learn current trends and stuffs. May I ask what I should do in such a situation? Are friends necessary, or not really? Also should I stop being in this environment and get a job instead? Thanks for reading lengthy paragraph, I would love any comments or advice for this.
The best way to get people to stop thinking you’re a “freak” is to spend time with them and show them you’re a nice person. It’s okay if you’re kind of unusual. Everyone is, so try not to worry about it. What you think of as weird traits become charming quirks to people who know you.
Of course, this is much easier said than done. I wish you the best. Just try to remember that nobody judges you as harshly as you judge yourself.
I see, but I am worried that the behaviors they hate on is exactly the autistic & social anxiety behaviors I exhibit.
I see, but I am worried that the behaviors they hate on is exactly the autistic & social anxiety behaviors I exhibit.
You are worried, yes.
They do not hate, No.
Some people may find your behaviour extraordinary, and that is enough to maybe talk about. But there is a whole world between “find something extraordinary” and “hate”.
If you do never talk to people, then this is your behaviour. You can change it. You can talk to people. Case solved.
Be careful about the things one does in response to being insecure. Some people react to the prospect of rejection by giving people a reason to reject them, so that the blow will be softer. That’s obviously not a great idea.
It’s alright to not be super talkative all the time. Reading up on social norms is probably a good idea if your have autism and find them challenging.
Think about first impression. Keep a good personal hygiene, try to wear clothes that make some sense, try to keep a good posture while not being too “stiff” - let your arms swing while walking and all that. There’s a bunch of these tiny things we do that change our perception of each other, and it can be good to be aware.
Keep in mind that you’re probably not dealing with a unitary group of people. You’re probably not the only person who doesn’t have friends yet. And some people will always not like you no matter what - if you have too many friends or are too charismatic, some people will dislike you for that as well. It doesn’t matter that some people don’t like you, what matters is to find some people one can get along with. Chances are there are people out there with a lot in common with you.
My purely anecdotal opinion, once you get into university and higher education, everyone is a bit autistic and socially stunted. Its almost a prerequisite.
Some people may actually dislike those features, sure, but I don’t think most people will. You wouldn’t know it from watching the news, but people are more tolerant than you think, especially in college.
I just read the rules, does this post break rule 3? Where is the better place to ask this question?
Don’t think so. I’m not a mod on this board, but if I was, I’d say it’s OK - you ask a genuine question about approaches to a social situation, which should be all good. Also, thanks for reminding me to actually check out the rules in the sidebar.
Please don’t give up on making friends - you just haven’t found your group yet and it may or may not be the same people you’re with in University. See if there’s a group nearby that shares an interest in an activity you enjoy. Give yourself a goal of trying 3 activities/groups and attend a few sessions. It’s sometimes tempting to bail after a single session, so I’d try to stick with it a few times (unless you’re absolutely certain you will never enjoy it).
As others in this thread have said, most other people are too busy and involved in their own lives to think that much about anyone else, so I suspect your concerns about people talking badly about you are very overblown. Don’t let your insecurities fill in an imaginary void of what other people are thinking.
Being social is a skill and it takes time to hone, just like any other. You have to put in the time and be willing to put yourself in the vulnerable position of being around new people and accept that you’re going to click with some better than others.
Friendships are vitally important to our mental health and I hope you don’t give up on forging them. You just haven’t found your circle yet, so keep trying!
If you are neurodivergent, it might be worth looking into Rejection sensitive dysphoria and Social phobia.
It may feel like others are judging/bad talking you but that may not be the case.
Speak to a GP or psychologist, they can help with these types of issues.
Oh, does RSD symptom include the illusory hearing about badmouthing? That aside, I do think only some actively participates in badmouthing behavior, and many might be ambivalent. I am not sure about this, though.
I don’t know about illusory hearing as related to RSD but I do know that I had similar issues most of my life.
I used to think people were looking at me, talking about me and sometimes thought that they could hear/guess my thoughts. Started when I was a kid. Found out it was ASD-1 and a brain tumor causing alot of the issues.
And the only way I found out about that was by going to the doctor. I really do recommend speaking to a doctor about these issues and you might be surprised with what they find and how much better you feel once you can get the right therapy.
Thanks, I see that it could be related. That said, I’ve spoken about this issue to many doctors and psychiatrists, and it did not help - doctors just raised dosage, and psychiatrists told me to actually talk with people. Problem is, with my social anxiety, it is so difficult to talk with people…
Perhaps you could try friend-finding apps such as Bumble BFF? You’re likely to find others there in a similar position to yourself. It also focuses on 1 on 1 which should be a little easier to manage with social anxiety.
Psychotherapy does not particularly help patients with RSD because the emotions hit suddenly and completely overwhelm the mind and senses.
Hard disagree from me, dawg. Rejection sensitivity is a super common target behavior in psychotherapy treatments like DBT and RODBT, and it’s super treatable with those modalities. This article saying “only drugs work” is uninformed and misleading
Thats why I said to speak to a GP or psych. In Australia, the GP is first line for diagnosis who then refers you on to psychologist or psychiatrist.
I’m just suggesting that based on what OP said, RSD could be a possibility and they should see a doctor for help if they are serious about improving their mental health etc.
I agree with all that, I just don’t agree with William Dodson, M.D., LF-APA. I tried to look up the “LF-APA” credential, btw, because I’ve never heard of it, and William Dodson appears to be the only person on the internet who has it. Anyone know what it indicates?
This is what springs to mind for me as well. OP, you should try to remember this: the people around you are not as concerned with you as they are their own lives. And their own lives are probably pretty intense for them to deal with!
- Understanding other people’s lives might have intensity you don’t know about or understand is empathy. Displaying empathy will help you establish bonds with others and this is a good place to start.
- Say they do ostracize and dislike you. So what? Can they really even do anything about it? Should you even care? Probably not. It probably doesn’t matter at all. So you’ll have to deal with it for now, but they’ll move on and so will you.
Not sure if this works for you, but when I’m in a socially confusing situation, I involve people. If you think someone is talking bad about you, ask them about it. Ask for guidance. If you ask someone for help, they will often remember it positively. It takes courage to ask for help, as it’s a sign of weakness, and people usually respect that you trust them with your request.
Ideally it will turn out to be a misunderstanding, or you get some constructive criticism, or you get a confirmation that people are actually talking bad about you. At least you will have more clarity. If there wasn’t really anything bad going on, now you’re still in a conversation. Even if you say thanks and end the conversation, you’ve broken the ice with that person.
Friends are very much necessary. You need people in your environment, other than your family, to exchange ideas with and talk about things that are on your mind. Don’t try to substitute friends with online relationships. It will never be equal. Finding local people with similar interests online is fine if that helps you to reach out. You can’t force making friends, it’s a waste of time. Start with making one friend. Quality over quantity
I am too scared to do this in classroom…
What have you got to lose?
Asking to people a bit far away will be even more weird behavior. Currently, most people do not sit near me.
have you tried talking to someone after or before class?
This is good advice. I was going to type something up, but this pretty much covers it. Listen to this person please OP.
Ur not a snitch are you?
No
Well guessing by ur username ur a fellow aussie pm me what uni and if its the same one as i then id be more than happy to have some beers and a yarn and introduce u to my friends.
Get a degree, get a dog, make art not friends.
If you’re autistic: social settings have a plethora of unwritten rules that you have to follow to not seem weird to non-autistic people. Without knowing exactly why anyone would be badmouthing you, it’s likely that you already violated dozens of them without knowing it.
It’s possible to learn it though, I did it through reading about it and carefully observing soap operas scene-by-scene, watching every movement they make, every way they express themselves, guessing the purpose and seeing the effects.
The quickest way to learn is by having someone with the necessary skills observe you and giving you pointers, but this is hard to do apparently since you have no one you can trust?
I could help, but to help you, one really needs much more and much more specific information about your situation.
Are you a boring person ? I’m in a similar situation and pretty much figured out that this was the issue
“Boring” people often have a good time with other “boring” people. So it’s maybe just a case of looking in the wrong places?
I recognized I went a little crazy last week with some acquaintances. I’m going to ask them next week if it was ok. It’s hard to ask, but you just gotta do it and own it when it’s on you to improve.
Getting a job won’t make things easier. Most people need human friends to live a fulfilling life. I think you might be imagining that people dislike you, as we socially awkward people often do. Just try talking to people, and you’ll surely make a few friends. I’m socially awkward, but make it a point to attend some social gatherings outside of classes/job so that I’m basically forced to talk to people, no matter how hard it is. If you’re just starting university, it’ll be easier as everyone is trying to make friends, and there’ll be many open events. For later years, it might be a bit harder, but try joining some clubs. I’ve found astronomy clubs to be pretty chill and welcoming to new members.
Just make it a point to attend some social events. There will definitely be people who will appreciate your personality, just give them the chance to get to know you.
(All of this is assuming you don’t have some underlying mental condition. If you find it hard to follow this advice, maybe seek help from a professional.)
Hi, are you neurodivergent by any chance?
Yeah, I suspect I am both mildly autistic and ADHD.
Okay, well I’ll try to answer your questions as directly as possible.
Attending seminars to learn about current interests is a very clinical approach, that won’t ever really capture what those trends are and you will appear to be even more of an outsider imitating the ‘insiders’. I personally wouldn’t recommend it, maybe try looking to find a group hobby that you can do with other people (DnD, walking, photography, book club, sports, etc).
Are friends necessary, or not really?
Necessary is subjective. But at least for me I find having some social connections I can talk with helps, and is overall a net positive on my quality of life. Also good friends can end up being with you for life, certainly a good investment.
Also should I stop being in this environment and get a job instead?
That depends, why are you in University? If it’s purely for academic learning, just focus on your studies. If it’s to gain life experiences as well, go out and seek people. If it’s neither, and you can’t think of any other reason to be in such an environment than maybe a job would be a good change.
I want to do research, that is why I am in the uni. Problem is, network effect is strong in academia, so being isolated is not great for that…
Are there any clubs that hold interest for you? Chess club, book club, drama club, small local bands? What kind of research? Anything pertaining to that?
Fanfic? Scifi? Creative writing?
I do not have particular interest other than gaming, tho I can maybe pursue an interest. Chess club sounds good, perhaps I’d try that!
That’s cool. There are probably gaming groups, if even informal. Look for those.
Thanks again, will do!
it feels like colleagues talk bad about me.
What makes you say that? It’s pretty likely that’s just your anxiety talking.
I’m not exactly the most social—or even socially competent—person, but I know friends are important to have, especially if you don’t have family you can lean on. Friends can balance you out and provide alternate perspectives when you need them, and we all need them sometimes.
Also, I’m pretty sure having (good) friends is beneficial for your mental health. Having no friends can be detrimental to it.
Regardless of what you decide, I suggest putting yourself out there. Start slowly, and ask people about themselves. It can very difficult and stressful at first, but it does get easier over time.
It might be a good idea to make a pros/cons list for staying/getting a job; I’m sure there are other important factors to consider aside from the social climate.
I feel people are badmouthing me since I am hearing words like weirdo, freak, or disabled. It can be illusory, but I do think I hear them. It’s that my parents and psychiatrists say it cannot be real, so I might be mistaking something.
you are hearing voices and believe that people are talking about you. It’s symptoms of schizophrenia. Don’t take it as medical advice rather talk about it with your doctor.
What gives you the impression that others are badmouthing you? In cases like this, I have come to realize that it mostly boils down to indifference. People have their own lives and social circles to pay attention to, and as such their interactions with you would be neutral, which can seem cold.
If the above is the case, you’re not ostracized, you just haven’t found anyone to connect with (yet). I suggest you attend events, and hopefully you’ll get to know someone better.
It comes from that I hear people talking bad about me. Like, saying that I am a freak (or similar).
Unless you can think of what could’ve caused this, I suggest you attend the seminars. If someone there doesn’t like you just because you’re you, that’s their problem.
You won’t like everyone you’ll ever meet. And not everyone you meet will like you. And sometimes there will be actual dislike in the mix. It’s just how life is.
Wow. People can be so cruel. Have you heard them say why they feel this way?
No, I don’t think they explain anything about why.
That’s savage. It’s hard to address an issue if you don’t know what it is. Any ideas?
People often dislike and fear what they don’t understand. Self-care is really important, regular bathing and other hygiene (you’re worth caring about). Also, walk with head high and shoulders back. Take up space. Use the central sidewalk, central doors. You’re as worthy as anyone. To put it another way, don’t dim your light so others seem brighter. If there are personal thought, word, deed habits that need addressing, be honest with yourself and address them. I don’t know you, so I can’t say.
Thanks! I suspect that it continues from my high school and uni days where I was belittled a lot. The momentum is hard to overcome. That said, that people talking bad about me right now can be an illusion.
You’re very welcome. I just glanced at your post history. You’re hella smart. Way smarter than me. I’m sure most of your posts are way over my head, but I think we should stretch for our reach to exceed our grasp. Thus, I’m “following” you. Maybe I’ll learn from you.
Thanks for kind words, I’d say my smartness is just that I took tons of time to learn. You can learn lots of knowledge given time, even math! Tho indeed, not everyone has time for learning, so it is okay to not know something! :)
Everyone, just like you, are thinking about themselves. Nobody is thinking about you.
