It’s not a childhood trauma thing. I had a decent upbringing. I’ve been like this all my life. I’ll talk about people using their name to others when the named person isn’t around, but I avoid using their name as a vocative to their face.
Same thing with people using my name. I don’t mind people summoning me by calling my name, but I cringe when people use my name as a vocative in front of me. I also get irritated when people I don’t know and have no intention of establishing a relationship with use my name.
I worked in a call center and we had the usual opening “thank you for calling _____ my name is early_riser, how can I help you?” I assumed the unspoken rule was that I’m giving my name so the client can later refer to me in complaints or commendations, not because I want to establish anything more than a client-employee relationship. Also, I always use “sir” or “ma’am” when addressing clients, and hope they reciprocate that respect.
Edit:
Yes I know what names are for. Also “angry” was too strong a word. I don’t lash out at people when they do this. I understand that people are trying to be friendly when they use my name and that the irritation is unwarranted, but it’s there and I want to know why.
I don’t like when people work my name into a conversation (“that’s a good point, glimse!” Not “hey glimse how’s it going?”) because it makes me…suspicious. Like mind instantly jumps to the tactic taught to sales people to build rapport with prospective customers.
My guess is that it’s a defense mechanism. I’ve been taken advantage of after blindly trusting someone before, now I’m predisposed to look for the signs.
I’m sure it doesn’t help that I don’t really love my name. I don’t care enough to change it but it wouldn’t have been my first pick.
I dont hate it, but it’s wierd enough to me; so that i only ever do this to other when i am angry, with elevated voice
so many young people get all bent out of shape when i say sir. i dont even dare say ma’am bc i will get yelled at. but i wish they were acceptable, bc i struggle with name recollection.
That’s a cultural thing for sure. Here in Texas all women are “ma’am” regardless of age.
I like when peoole use my name but i also avoid using them
I do the same “hey man, what’s up?” Because it takes my brain a second to use the search function. I know their name but I can’t come up with it in time for passing chat. So “hey man” comes off as less of a dick move than just standing there staring blankly at them.
I think it’s because we primarily use someone’s name to get that persons attention or to pay attention, for better or worse. If you are already invested in what’s going on and someone uses your name it almost feels like an unnecessary call out.
I feel like this could be a deep dive yt essay, because I wonder if it’s like this in other cultures and we deviated or it’s like that everywhere.
I so agree. I can’t quite explain why but it feels so weird. I know my name.
For most people, their own name is one of their favorite sounds in the world. If my friends didn’t call me by my name, I wouldn’t think we were as close of friends.
If you know somebody’s name, it’s really good and normal to greet them using their name. Even if you only say their name during the greeting, it will improve relationships and moods with just that. It’s so important that I would even recommend that you “fake it 'till you make it” in this case. Even if it feels awkward, start greeting people in person by saying something like, “Hi Steve,” or whatever similar greeting feels comfortable to you.
You can use people’s names more that that, but it’s a skill how to use names without being too weird. So if you’re not used to it, start with greetings.
I’m blind, which I could have mentioned in the OP for extra context but eh. People often greet me without telling me who they are, or even making it clear I’m the one they’re greeting.
Remembering names, as I understand it, is a very visual thing. Humans use visual cues to tell people apart. I don’t have that option, and there’s no polite way for me to say “hi, who are you again?” When I have the chance I’ll tell people to identify themselves when saying hello to me, and ideally also remind me how I know them if they see me out and about as opposed to wherever I first met them.
If I only have to interact with you over a single day, I can pretty easily use things like clothing, hair and skin tone to differentiate people, but one change of clothes later and you’re a stranger. Over time I can match voices to names but it’s not as quick as the visual method. Odor is another big one, if they use perfume or body spray, if they smoke, or if they cook in a way that produces distinct odors.
I wonder how much of this has to do with the fact that most of us don’t chose the name we have? I’ve met people whom simply do not “look like” their name. It feels strange to refer to them by something that feels…other. I imagine this is why some cultures allow people to move through names as their lives go on. If we were given the space to emerge as a name, one embodied and truly ours, I think this phenomenon would be lessened.
I hate being called “sir” it sounds pretentious as fuck. Use my name, its far more personable and normal. Titles are like dress codes - completely made up theater that people play along with.
In the event of a call center scenario, it wouldn’t even be hard to track down who took the call whether they remembered my name or not, so I still wouldn’t care.
The only time it would be weird/annoying is if the person so constantly using my name instead of a pronoun, or if they’re using a tone to imply negativity toward it.
Yeah, we got rid of nobility for a reason. Demanding being called sir, madame, doctor, etc. Is just a holdover of middle class envy towards aristocracy. I’d much rather prefer to be called by my name than some arbitrary words meant to separate people into hierarchies.
I think in this case it’s more about them repeating your name. Feels fake.
In general I don’t use titles but at work I usually call men sir when they’re 50+ and I’ve never seen someone get bothered by it. It feels weird to go up to a stranger and say “Hi Brian, I heard you’re having chest pain today and I have some questions for you” or whatever. They don’t react negatively and seem to feel more respected. I don’t call women “m’am” because I know that can be irritating.
I think doctor only makes sense when you’re in a role at work. If you’re a visitor at a salon, don’t insist on it. If my boyfriend is booking a plane ticket he shouldn’t add Dr., but if he’s at a conference for fellow PhDs they should. If I’m at work they better call me doctor and not Miss or by my first name or I’ll be big madMust be a cultural thing. Where I’m from, if a doctor doesnt call you by name it is a red flag. It means they didn’t read the patient’s file. Teachers would flag student doctors negatively for it. You treat people, not loosely grouped collections of symptoms. Nurses are also strictly trained to call people by name (perhaps by Mr/ms surname, but that’s part of a holdover from reinforcing hierarchies), you know why? Because our hospitals have wards of anything between 12 and 30 beds and up. Calling “Sir please return to your bed” means nothing with 40 men in the same room, you have to be specific.
On the other hand, if you work a position of power, most people will call you doctor. It’s lawyers fault, really, as they historically used to hold all the political positions. They insisted so aggressively to be called doctors that now anyone in a position of authority or hierarchy, however slight it might be, is called doctor, even if they aren’t. Including in the medical field. Tons of people who aren’t doctors in medicine are called doctors, students of medicine are called doctors from day one, administration staff in medical settings will be called doctor, etc.
It also reinforces the first part. Lowly patients must call everyone inside a hospital doctor, but doctors don’t owe any title to anyone below them. Sure, it might arise from general ignorance about how the education system works, but it also illustrates how titles are always about separating people into hierarchies. It’s just an academic dick measuring contest.
Where are you from? Do you have a caste system? I’m in the US and I am pretty nice to patients and it’s rare that someone has a problem with me. Here we are called medical student or student doctor but it’s pretty clear we aren’t the ones in charge so it’s not like we’re tricking the patients.
I trained at a center with a majority population of Black and brown people and a lot of disadvantaged people, so I thought calling every man sir was a good idea, since it gave the implication I didn’t think I was any better than them. We have a long history of medical racism here. Or more rarely I do Mr/Ms Firstname
Latinamerica, no caste system. But tons of colonialism.
Lotta machismo too.
Very interesting, ty for giving me another perspective. I find titles onerous unless you’re working–don’t call me Dr at the corner store, I’m not gonna thank a random off-duty veteran for their service, etc–because it ranks people as though some are more worthy than others. I didn’t know that about lawyers in latin america
When asked what I prefer I use the shortest version of my name and even then I almost don’t want one but you know you have to have some designation I suppose.
Same for me. I don’t care about pronouns that are used for me but hearing or seeing my name used anywhere feels weird as hell. Maybe it just plays into my general dislike of being perceived.
Chiming in to say, yep, me too. One example that used to really drive me nuts was when I’d go to the gym and the person at the front desk would acknowledge me by name, even though we’ve never had an actual conversation or anything. It felt fake and forced and I hated it so much.
I also always felt so awkward as a kid talking about my friends’ parents. Mr./Mrs. LastName usually felt weird, but it also usually felt weird to use their first names, so I’d almost always refer to them as Friend’s mom/dad.
Is your name a TrageDeliah or something?
But as someone with a Chinese Name in an English-Speaking country, I do feel very weird when someone calls my name…
They’ll never get the real version of the name, only an Anglicanized version of it.
It feels weird, like it feels kinda like a name that only Chinese people are supposed to call me, having a non-Chinese say that name feels like if a teacher called you those nicknames only your family members are supposed calls you by…
I never feel weird saying someone elses name. Like wut bruh?
But yea I get it, the phone call giving their name is very weird to me… like c’mon you’re supposed to be a faceless nameless person who I talk to for 10 minutes lol
Even in person customer service is still weird unless you’re more long term… like I’m a client or something… like real estate agent or car sales person
Not fucking customer service or a fastfood, dont wanna know your name and I don’t like giving out mine either
I think you’re just autistic, buddy. This is not typical behavior for people that are not neurodivergent. The tell is that you get “oddly angry” when someone uses your name when they’re strangers. Good luck navigating life with this one.
At least there is the Fediverse. And STEM.
Being good at any part of STEM is kind of a superpower
Feeling this. My preferred method to acknowledge people when talking is to look at them. Bad enough, in my opinion. About the only time I use a person’s name is in a greeting or, more often, to get their attention.
As an autistic person with ADHD too I was going to say this. I hate my name being used, I strongly prefer dude or mate, I’ll even take “hey you”, but using my name is very similar to extreme eye contact or touching my hands. No, no thank you, I would prefer not to.
It’s not an unreasonable gripe and autism isn’t an insult.
Some people use your name too much and it does feel weird, like they’re trying to use their self-help book advice on you. “Good luck navigating life” is a nasty thing to say. Don’t be a dickI’m not insulting or being a dick. You just are tone policing text, which is wild. I am autistic too. My “good luck” was sincere. Fuck yourself, you holier-than-thou loser.
Tone matters and it didn’t sound sincere, it sounded like you were putting someone down. Immediately resorting to calling me a loser and telling me to fuck myself is telling on yourself. OP was talking about something a lot of people can relate to and you came off mean and condescending. They’re just trying to have a conversation. Sorry you react so poorly to differing opinions, you’ll have a hard and lonely life.
Anyway, not talking to you anymore, there are a lot of people who read some book like how to win friends and influence people and use that advice in a way that you can pick up on. If you feel something is sleazy and off you should trust that gut feeling.
I told you to fuck yourself, because you were attributing something to me that was not said or implied. Fuck yourself again :)
Your response to OP was unkind and your behavior after was egregious. Think about your wording next time. You don’t know what others are going through and your desire to get the last word in could harm a stranger for no reason.
You’re the one that was attributing malice and rudeness where none was implied or stated. I was not being rude to OP, you simply interpret it that way. You’re wrong, and fuck you again :)
If your response to someone telling you you sounded mean is fuck you fuck you fuck you then you should look at yourself
