It’s not a childhood trauma thing. I had a decent upbringing. I’ve been like this all my life. I’ll talk about people using their name to others when the named person isn’t around, but I avoid using their name as a vocative to their face.
Same thing with people using my name. I don’t mind people summoning me by calling my name, but I cringe when people use my name as a vocative in front of me. I also get irritated when people I don’t know and have no intention of establishing a relationship with use my name.
I worked in a call center and we had the usual opening “thank you for calling _____ my name is early_riser, how can I help you?” I assumed the unspoken rule was that I’m giving my name so the client can later refer to me in complaints or commendations, not because I want to establish anything more than a client-employee relationship. Also, I always use “sir” or “ma’am” when addressing clients, and hope they reciprocate that respect.
Edit:
Yes I know what names are for. Also “angry” was too strong a word. I don’t lash out at people when they do this. I understand that people are trying to be friendly when they use my name and that the irritation is unwarranted, but it’s there and I want to know why.
i feel that. i assumed it is an autistic trait … also theres a trans thing in my life. i like my new name a lot better.
still there are situations, in which i think it’s unneccesarry to say my name. especially , when you already have my attention. people pointed to ‘removing distance’ as a function. i usually like my distance. “hi, kluczyczka.” sounds waaay to forward, as if you want to eat me. if you already have my attention, just say “hi”. …
in languages which have strong formality, i tend to use these forms a lot more than others too, this usually uses the family name , which has a nice distance to it? so “hi, ms tchncs.de” would be fine with me.
so many young people get all bent out of shape when i say sir. i dont even dare say ma’am bc i will get yelled at. but i wish they were acceptable, bc i struggle with name recollection.
That’s a cultural thing for sure. Here in Texas all women are “ma’am” regardless of age.
I like when peoole use my name but i also avoid using them
I think you’re just autistic, buddy. This is not typical behavior for people that are not neurodivergent. The tell is that you get “oddly angry” when someone uses your name when they’re strangers. Good luck navigating life with this one.
At least there is the Fediverse. And STEM.
Being good at any part of STEM is kind of a superpower
It’s not an unreasonable gripe and autism isn’t an insult.
Some people use your name too much and it does feel weird, like they’re trying to use their self-help book advice on you. “Good luck navigating life” is a nasty thing to say. Don’t be a dickI’m not insulting or being a dick. You just are tone policing text, which is wild. I am autistic too. My “good luck” was sincere. Fuck yourself, you holier-than-thou loser.
Tone matters and it didn’t sound sincere, it sounded like you were putting someone down. Immediately resorting to calling me a loser and telling me to fuck myself is telling on yourself. OP was talking about something a lot of people can relate to and you came off mean and condescending. They’re just trying to have a conversation. Sorry you react so poorly to differing opinions, you’ll have a hard and lonely life.
Anyway, not talking to you anymore, there are a lot of people who read some book like how to win friends and influence people and use that advice in a way that you can pick up on. If you feel something is sleazy and off you should trust that gut feeling.
I told you to fuck yourself, because you were attributing something to me that was not said or implied. Fuck yourself again :)
Your response to OP was unkind and your behavior after was egregious. Think about your wording next time. You don’t know what others are going through and your desire to get the last word in could harm a stranger for no reason.
You’re the one that was attributing malice and rudeness where none was implied or stated. I was not being rude to OP, you simply interpret it that way. You’re wrong, and fuck you again :)
If your response to someone telling you you sounded mean is fuck you fuck you fuck you then you should look at yourself
As an autistic person with ADHD too I was going to say this. I hate my name being used, I strongly prefer dude or mate, I’ll even take “hey you”, but using my name is very similar to extreme eye contact or touching my hands. No, no thank you, I would prefer not to.
Feeling this. My preferred method to acknowledge people when talking is to look at them. Bad enough, in my opinion. About the only time I use a person’s name is in a greeting or, more often, to get their attention.
Yes it is weird.
“oh bespectacled one, could thou lend your pen to this poor unbepenned soul? I need to write a shopping list”
Names exist specifically so other people have something to call you. There is no point in having a name if it isn’t explicitly for the purpose of being used by other people.
Doesn’t mean you have to say it repeatedly lol I know what my name is
I get where you’re coming from, YawningNostalgia!
Woooooow. I dislike the Dutch now
Damn, all of them?
Same, mostly.
It feels more personal to use names. I use them to remove distance between and the other person. I wouldn’t like that for a sales call either, but otherwise I think it’s important for building relationships.
it’s also important for manipulating people.
I think that’s implied by “removing distance”. The only reason to do that quickly is for manipulation.
I mean… yes of course. Being socially inept I read up on it and try to use it, not for some nefarious reasons, but to actually build a connection. But if any conscious alterations of speech is “manipulation” then, yeah. It’s why I don’t like it in a sales call.
I too had a decent upbringing, but, after a bit of introspection about why I’m so wary of my own name, it came down to this:
I have two names. One is my given name and the other is “son”.
My parents have always tended to use my given name in negative and neutral contexts and “son” in more positive ones. It’s not intentional on their part, and I expect my father got the same, but I think it’s at the root of it all.
Good upbringing or not, how many of us are still terrified of being addressed by our full name in an irate tone? I’m convinced it’s related.
The only wrinkle that bothers me is when a sonless aunt once called me “son” and it made me very uncomfortable. But, I figure there are other reasons for that.
I’m just bad with remembering names so I’ve learned to just not use them.
Hah, for me exactly the opposite: I repeat peoples’ names when I talk to them so I remember them. At first it felt awkward, like OP described, but now I do it naturally without thinking.
I tried that and it didn’t work, just like all the other memory tricks. Hell, I talk to four friends online almost every single day for over a decade and occasionally one of their names slips my mind.
ADHD sure makes social interactions fun!
i write down people’s names when i first meet them on a notebook in my phone. it works!
i.e.: 2026-05-12, university, department of chemistry, charlie (in the context of a new research group i encountered)
note that the example is made up. nobody’s called charlie.
Cool, cool. While doing multiple things can slightly improve the chances of me remembering someone’s name until the next time I sleep when my brain flushes anything it doesn’t consider important that it didn’t drop already. Writing names down does not work for me as a long term solution, but it can be helpful in a short window.
I tried literally every possible approach over decades and nothing sticks for names of people I don’t interact with often. Sometimes my brain does remember a few people’s names, but I have no control over when it works and when it doesn’t.
My favorite thing at work is our photo directory! It lets me see the person to connect my memories to their name in an email or meeting roster because I remember literally everything else about a person except their name when it is relevant. My brain just doesn’t consider names to be important I guess.
My brain just doesn’t consider names to be important I guess.
in the modern world, they are most often not. in some spiritual traditions, names actually mean something. each name has a unique meaning attached to it, that describes the person or some aspect of their character.
There’s the kiki/boba effect for it.
I do something similar! Though my notes are usually more like
Charli - girl w nice ass in yellow pants
Tommy - her bf :(hahah, wasn’t expecting that
Definitely weird but ultimately doesn’t make a difference
I don’t think this is uncommon, but definitely varies in the level of discomfort caused… For me using a name is a degree of familiarity. My favorite people saying my name feels great. But in general I don’t like most of the social/sales “hacks” for speeding up the process of intimacy/social closeness.
“Keep my name out of your mouth”
Yeah I think it comes down to social deixis. I took Spanish calls as well as English. Spanish has a formal and informal “you” Usted and tú, respectively. I got the same irritated reaction when clients used informal pronoun and verb forms with me.
To be clear this irritation is completely internal. I understand it would be rude to snap at people who I know are just trying to be friendly. My awareness of how inappropriate this reaction is is why I made this post.
Idk seems like egg behavior
Identifying this as egg behaviour might be egg behaviour.
Sorry, should have prefaced that, it seems like egg behavior non derogatory.
I don’t mind when people say my name, but I am reluctant to use names. Even when I know the name of the person I’m talking to, I’m afraid I’ll say the wrong one.
I make it a thing to say the person’s name that I just met at least 3 times. It’s the only way I can remember their names.
It may be possible that a work incident has made it so hearing your name in passing making you twitch is because it’s always used in a non-positive way.
I worked at a toxic workplace and if I ever heard my name that wasn’t directly at me, it was because someone was sharing drama that involved me. Or I was being mocked. Or worse, they were preparing to rip into me.
My new job, everyone is pretty positive and if I hear my name across the hall, I’m excited.
I don’t like people using my full name as nothing good usually follows, but I’m pretty that’s a cultural thing, parents addressing their kids by full name usually means the kid is in trouble.
