Like… If I go to the plaza in my town this cold afternoon just to watch the stupid Xmas tree I won’t meet a flirty person there right?
I don’t even know why I’m asking this, I won’t do it anyways. Hypothetical I guess
Like… If I go to the plaza in my town this cold afternoon just to watch the stupid Xmas tree I won’t meet a flirty person there right?
I don’t even know why I’m asking this, I won’t do it anyways. Hypothetical I guess
Actually, that’s exactly how I met my wife.
Get out and socialize, it’s good for you. Don’t do it as a means to an end, a way to meet a partner, though; do it just to socialize and have new experiences.
“just to” doesn’t work for me. I’m not trying to turn you down, I’m just not wired that way
You’ve implied elsewhere that you don’t believe that you can change. That the way you are is the deterministic result of your life up til this point. Is that an accurate representation of your position?
If so, other than because you feel like it’s true, what evidence do you have? Have you tried making an active effort to change? Do you even want to?
I’m genuinely not trying to be a dick. I just wonder if the reality is that you want to change, but that that’s terrifying, and it’s more “comfortable” to tell yourself that it’s impossible, so it wouldn’t matter if you tried anyway.
And look, I’m sympathetic to the feeling that it’s “safer” and “easier” to be miserable where you are than it is to try and do something else. The “potential unknown misery” is always scarier than the misery that you’re living with now, and especially when you’re battling depression, it’s easy to just cave and fall back into the same rut that you keep walking.
I’m just asking that you really consider the idea that you can’t change, and examine why you believe that. I imagine that, under scrutiny, you’ll find it based in fear, not facts.
I won’t change. I don’t feel like becoming someone else just to be more appetizable… I’m not a bad person. I don’t deserve this but unfortunately everything is against me. I don’t see my life being better, or getting better. What I wonder is why so many awful people managed to “bag” someone and even marry…
“Awful” people find relationships like the rest of us: by being interesting, sociable, and/or emotionally validating. No one “deserves” anything, they get what they work for. Pretty people put time and effort into their appearance, interesting people put time and effort into their personality, sociable people put time and effort into learning to socialize.
No one is born romantically successful. I also used to be debilitatingly introverted, unhygienic just generally not the sort of person who attracts romantic partners. I wallowed on the same kind of bitter loneliness you’re expressing here. I thought I was doomed, that I couldn’t change, and that even if I could I wouldn’t want to because that would be inauthentic.
But that’s not the case. People change constantly, whether they’re trying to or not. Growth is a part of what we are. So I cleaned up, I got more flattering clothes and a decent haircut. I started putting myself out there, starting small by trying to make brief friendly conversation with checkout clerks, working myself up to strangers in class, joining clubs, even going out to parties. It was a lot of work, and it took a lot of practice before I could manage more than a few awkward comments. Now, years of practice later, people scoff when I tell them I’m introverted, I’ve had more lovers than I ever would have imagined before, and I’ve been happily married for years. Practice pays off.
Developing a new skill isn’t becoming someone else. And the only who can improve your situation is you. No one “deserves” a partner. That’s a person, not an object. No one is going to want to be with you if you don’t fulfill their needs. No one can force you to change your habits or put in effort, but if no one is just going to fall into your life. If you want people to be attracted to you, you have to make yourself attractive. This woe-is-me attitude is not attractive.
So make a decision, which do you value more: remaining exactly the same as you are, or romance?
Again… I don’t feel like changing to fit a mold that isn’t me. You can’t lie to me saying that isn’t someone else, I don’t give a fuck about “being charismatic” that’s not me. It would kill me being this cheerful “friend of everyone” guy. That is just not me.
And the fact that’s enough to curse me with eternal lack of companionship is terrible.
This is it. You don’t have to be a “friend of everyone”, you just have to not be miserable to be around, and pleasant enough to at least one person for them to want to spend time with you.
But these are your choices. You can put in the effort to be more attractive, or you can accept that you won’t attract a partner. But refusing to change, and then complaining that your romantic life isn’t changing either, is just stupid and it makes you even less attractive. No one wants to date a miserable sad sack who thinks the world is out to get them.
Commit to change, or accept your fate. Either way, quit whining about it.
You know the definition of charisma is likability. You say you dont want charisma but want to be liked. Those are literally opposites. Its not a curse, its what you are choosing for yourself. No person is born the way they are throughout their lives. We all change on a daily basis. We make small changes in our behaviour to fit in with others, to be liked and cared for. Thats how humans survived until now. You cant expect a person to like you if you refuse the idea of being likable.
You dont have to be whatever you imagine the ‘friend of everyone guy’ to be like (Im saying it like this because that is not an objective description of a person). You can be any other version of kind likable people.
It seems that you’re operating under the belief that being a good person means you deserve a romantic relationship, or that being a bad person should disqualify someone from having a relationship, but that’s flawed logic.
That belief is as well founded as believing that, because you are a good person, you should be good at the guitar, and that bad people shouldn’t be able to be good at the guitar.
The only real factor that determines guitar skill is the amount of work you put in to it, and the same holds true for relationships. If you don’t put the work in, you won’t have a relationship. And anyone who tells you relationships aren’t hard work is lying to you.
On a separate note, you frame self improvement as “becoming someone else,” but understand that it’s not like you’re a different person. Habits aren’t who you are. Beliefs aren’t who you are. Hobbies and proclivities aren’t who you are. You are who you are. And that’s true if you’re the person who chooses to self improve, or the one who doesn’t. You’re you either way, for better or for worse.
Then it means that I’m fucked. Because I just can’t believe that, if I was born somewhere else, maybe, but this is my reality and what I’ve seen
You say it’s “your reality” and “what you have seen,” but what do you mean by that? Are they just platitudes?
You’ve never seen anyone change? You’ve never seen anyone work hard at something and improve?
You say, “if I had been born somewhere else,” but do you think there’s a single place on earth that doesn’t have someone who feels the exact same way you do? I promise you that from the richest suburb in America to the poorest straw hut in Africa, there are people who think that the reason they don’t have love is because of their circumstances and that the whole world is against them.
So what makes you different from them? Why would you succeed if you’d grown up in those places instead of where you are, even when others don’t? Why haven’t you succeeded growing up where you are, even if others have?
Once again, I promise I’m not trying to be a dick. I just want to understand you.
I’m not like that and my environment doesn’t help people like me. I was born weak, I barely got stronger and my family is a Latino family with outdated views plus being an anti social immigrant. All my life has been a boring yet messy life. Nothing changes and I will die alone
Why do you expect things around you to change if you’re not willing to make changes yourself?
Everyone’s life is messy. That’s the human condition.
And you say that nothing changes, but at the same time refuse to change. How can anything change if you don’t?
The things you are doing now are making you miserable, so why keep doing them? The choices you’re making now are making you miserable, so why not try and make different choices.
This isn’t a “change the entirety of who you are right now” thing. It’s a slow change of small decisions.
What if, tomorrow, instead of going to McDonald’s (or whatever fast food you have), you went and sat at a local bar and chatted with people. Even for just an hour.
“I’d hate that,” I hear you say. So? People do things they don’t want to all the time. That’s life. You can’t do something hard for one hour a week? You can’t stretch yourself, even the tiniest bit?
And maybe if you do that for a few months, you get to know someone at that bar. Maybe they invite you to another thing going on in town. Maybe as you develop friends, you start to realize that having relationships with people isn’t as impossible as you’ve built it up in your head to be.
But if you keep choosing McDonalds, nothing will change. If you choose just one hour a week at the local pub, something might. That’s not “changing who you are.” It’s not ego death for God’s sake. It’s one hour a week at a local bar.
So why not take the chance? What do you have to lose?
“I won’t change”
There’s your problem.
I can’t erase myself
You don’t need to erase yourself. But I think you will have to choose either changing your mindset or remaining solo because almost no one wants to be around an emotional drain.
TBH take the advice you’ve gotten and seek professional help.
That’s not a possibility
It is, but you’re being obtuse. You don’t want to make the effort for whatever reason. Maybe it’s fear. Regardless, when it comes to struggles, choosing to do nothing and suffer is an active choice. You’re not a passenger in your own life, and not waiting for someone else to come along and provide direction is the only way you’re going to get anywhere new.
It’s okay to feel the feelings, but ruminating isn’t going to solve this problem.
Ok so let me summarize.
You dont like your current life
You dont want to change because you dont want to be someone else than who you currently are.
You think your problems ‘are happening to you’ and you have no influence on that
You hate the rest of the world for not being the way you want it to be
I think you need to accept that the world will not change for you, but you can adapt to the world. Changing your mindset is not the same as deleting your whole personality. If you think being a complaining little b* is the core of your personality and you dont want to change that then I guess noone can help you.
But I dont think thats the case and you probably know that many people in this thread are right. You are mentally ill and need help. Noone is judging you for that. Just get some professional help ffs. Theres no shame in it, most people nowadays have some form of mental instability or trauma. Not wanting to do anything about it is whats being judged, but thats not part of who you are, its what your subconscious planted inside your ego to shield it from trauma.
It’s not about “deserve”. Reality has choices and consequences. We don’t get to choose how those align, all we can do is try to figure them out and make the best choices. Life is not fair, and never was, and being upset or bitter about that is immature and counter-productive.