Like… If I go to the plaza in my town this cold afternoon just to watch the stupid Xmas tree I won’t meet a flirty person there right?
I don’t even know why I’m asking this, I won’t do it anyways. Hypothetical I guess
I imagine it’s not really often. I always suspect someone is trying to take advantage of me.
It happens. I met my last partner when I went to the bar to read my book and she commented on my Kindle.
Actually, that’s exactly how I met my wife.
Get out and socialize, it’s good for you. Don’t do it as a means to an end, a way to meet a partner, though; do it just to socialize and have new experiences.
“just to” doesn’t work for me. I’m not trying to turn you down, I’m just not wired that way
You’ve implied elsewhere that you don’t believe that you can change. That the way you are is the deterministic result of your life up til this point. Is that an accurate representation of your position?
If so, other than because you feel like it’s true, what evidence do you have? Have you tried making an active effort to change? Do you even want to?
I’m genuinely not trying to be a dick. I just wonder if the reality is that you want to change, but that that’s terrifying, and it’s more “comfortable” to tell yourself that it’s impossible, so it wouldn’t matter if you tried anyway.
And look, I’m sympathetic to the feeling that it’s “safer” and “easier” to be miserable where you are than it is to try and do something else. The “potential unknown misery” is always scarier than the misery that you’re living with now, and especially when you’re battling depression, it’s easy to just cave and fall back into the same rut that you keep walking.
I’m just asking that you really consider the idea that you can’t change, and examine why you believe that. I imagine that, under scrutiny, you’ll find it based in fear, not facts.
I won’t change. I don’t feel like becoming someone else just to be more appetizable… I’m not a bad person. I don’t deserve this but unfortunately everything is against me. I don’t see my life being better, or getting better. What I wonder is why so many awful people managed to “bag” someone and even marry…
It’s not about “deserve”. Reality has choices and consequences. We don’t get to choose how those align, all we can do is try to figure them out and make the best choices. Life is not fair, and never was, and being upset or bitter about that is immature and counter-productive.
“Awful” people find relationships like the rest of us: by being interesting, sociable, and/or emotionally validating. No one “deserves” anything, they get what they work for. Pretty people put time and effort into their appearance, interesting people put time and effort into their personality, sociable people put time and effort into learning to socialize.
No one is born romantically successful. I also used to be debilitatingly introverted, unhygienic just generally not the sort of person who attracts romantic partners. I wallowed on the same kind of bitter loneliness you’re expressing here. I thought I was doomed, that I couldn’t change, and that even if I could I wouldn’t want to because that would be inauthentic.
But that’s not the case. People change constantly, whether they’re trying to or not. Growth is a part of what we are. So I cleaned up, I got more flattering clothes and a decent haircut. I started putting myself out there, starting small by trying to make brief friendly conversation with checkout clerks, working myself up to strangers in class, joining clubs, even going out to parties. It was a lot of work, and it took a lot of practice before I could manage more than a few awkward comments. Now, years of practice later, people scoff when I tell them I’m introverted, I’ve had more lovers than I ever would have imagined before, and I’ve been happily married for years. Practice pays off.
Developing a new skill isn’t becoming someone else. And the only who can improve your situation is you. No one “deserves” a partner. That’s a person, not an object. No one is going to want to be with you if you don’t fulfill their needs. No one can force you to change your habits or put in effort, but if no one is just going to fall into your life. If you want people to be attracted to you, you have to make yourself attractive. This woe-is-me attitude is not attractive.
So make a decision, which do you value more: remaining exactly the same as you are, or romance?
Again… I don’t feel like changing to fit a mold that isn’t me. You can’t lie to me saying that isn’t someone else, I don’t give a fuck about “being charismatic” that’s not me. It would kill me being this cheerful “friend of everyone” guy. That is just not me.
And the fact that’s enough to curse me with eternal lack of companionship is terrible.
So make a decision, which do you value more: remaining exactly the same as you are, or romance?
This is it. You don’t have to be a “friend of everyone”, you just have to not be miserable to be around, and pleasant enough to at least one person for them to want to spend time with you.
But these are your choices. You can put in the effort to be more attractive, or you can accept that you won’t attract a partner. But refusing to change, and then complaining that your romantic life isn’t changing either, is just stupid and it makes you even less attractive. No one wants to date a miserable sad sack who thinks the world is out to get them.
Commit to change, or accept your fate. Either way, quit whining about it.
You know the definition of charisma is likability. You say you dont want charisma but want to be liked. Those are literally opposites. Its not a curse, its what you are choosing for yourself. No person is born the way they are throughout their lives. We all change on a daily basis. We make small changes in our behaviour to fit in with others, to be liked and cared for. Thats how humans survived until now. You cant expect a person to like you if you refuse the idea of being likable.
You dont have to be whatever you imagine the ‘friend of everyone guy’ to be like (Im saying it like this because that is not an objective description of a person). You can be any other version of kind likable people.
“I won’t change”
There’s your problem.
I can’t erase myself
You don’t need to erase yourself. But I think you will have to choose either changing your mindset or remaining solo because almost no one wants to be around an emotional drain.
TBH take the advice you’ve gotten and seek professional help.
That’s not a possibility
It seems that you’re operating under the belief that being a good person means you deserve a romantic relationship, or that being a bad person should disqualify someone from having a relationship, but that’s flawed logic.
That belief is as well founded as believing that, because you are a good person, you should be good at the guitar, and that bad people shouldn’t be able to be good at the guitar.
The only real factor that determines guitar skill is the amount of work you put in to it, and the same holds true for relationships. If you don’t put the work in, you won’t have a relationship. And anyone who tells you relationships aren’t hard work is lying to you.
On a separate note, you frame self improvement as “becoming someone else,” but understand that it’s not like you’re a different person. Habits aren’t who you are. Beliefs aren’t who you are. Hobbies and proclivities aren’t who you are. You are who you are. And that’s true if you’re the person who chooses to self improve, or the one who doesn’t. You’re you either way, for better or for worse.
Then it means that I’m fucked. Because I just can’t believe that, if I was born somewhere else, maybe, but this is my reality and what I’ve seen
You say it’s “your reality” and “what you have seen,” but what do you mean by that? Are they just platitudes?
You’ve never seen anyone change? You’ve never seen anyone work hard at something and improve?
You say, “if I had been born somewhere else,” but do you think there’s a single place on earth that doesn’t have someone who feels the exact same way you do? I promise you that from the richest suburb in America to the poorest straw hut in Africa, there are people who think that the reason they don’t have love is because of their circumstances and that the whole world is against them.
So what makes you different from them? Why would you succeed if you’d grown up in those places instead of where you are, even when others don’t? Why haven’t you succeeded growing up where you are, even if others have?
Once again, I promise I’m not trying to be a dick. I just want to understand you.
I’m not like that and my environment doesn’t help people like me. I was born weak, I barely got stronger and my family is a Latino family with outdated views plus being an anti social immigrant. All my life has been a boring yet messy life. Nothing changes and I will die alone
Ok so let me summarize.
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You dont like your current life
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You dont want to change because you dont want to be someone else than who you currently are.
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You think your problems ‘are happening to you’ and you have no influence on that
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You hate the rest of the world for not being the way you want it to be
I think you need to accept that the world will not change for you, but you can adapt to the world. Changing your mindset is not the same as deleting your whole personality. If you think being a complaining little b* is the core of your personality and you dont want to change that then I guess noone can help you.
But I dont think thats the case and you probably know that many people in this thread are right. You are mentally ill and need help. Noone is judging you for that. Just get some professional help ffs. Theres no shame in it, most people nowadays have some form of mental instability or trauma. Not wanting to do anything about it is whats being judged, but thats not part of who you are, its what your subconscious planted inside your ego to shield it from trauma.
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It happens all the time. You just have to be willing to put yourself out there a bit. You’re probably not going to have an interaction like you see in the movies where you bump into someone and go all googoo eyes and hear the angels sing, but you can absolutely start a conversation and see where it goes. The key is that you can’t expect anything to happen for you, you have to be willing to initiate interactions too.
I met my SO in an uber randomly, we’ve been dating for 5 years
You what?
What was confusing there?
The (SO) part? That’s significant other.
I don’t understand abbreviations, especially in English that’s it., why THAT needs it anyways, sounds weird like that. Not my language I guess
“Significant other” is the accepted catch-all term for long term romantic partners, regardless of marriage and gender, but because it’s a little bit long it’s common to abbreviate it
SO sounds like a military term to me
Well, it’s not. Stop complaining about slang, especially if it’s not your first language.
I’m not complaining I just found it weird something like that needs abbreviation in an already simple enough language
It happens, but it’s definitely not an every day occurence. The more you put yourself out there and the better you get at socializing, the more likely it is to happen though.
Before the internet, this was more common. I’m not sure why this doesn’t seem that plausible to happen unless if you didn’t experience the world pre-internet/smartphone.
My friend exclusively finds “lady friends” when he is out and about in public and never uses the internet to meet women he is interested in. Usually from a glance and approaching her to say something flirty and get her number to go from there.
Granted, my friend isn’t looking for “love” in the way you’re describing lol. But he still establishes a romantic connection when out and about in public and I wouldn’t put it past these women to assume they have found love when they share their number with him.
Your friend has no shame or restrictions, there. That doesn’t apply to me, for better and for worse
Gotta change your goal from something that is making you feel shameful or restricted.
Approach people with the idea that maybe they’re attractive to you, but you’re just looking to shoot the shit and pass the time. Nothing shameful about that.
If you happen to hit it off? Amazing, maybe you can think about next steps then.
Don’t get me wrong: it’s always hard to put yourself out there, but if you are really struggling with feelings of shame during it, you might not be thinking about it in the healthiest terns.
Is the only way I can think. Otherwise I would die
Seems like you may be in need of more assistance than you can get from strangers on the internet if this is your reaction to my suggestion.
I think maybe reaching out to a therapist might be the best next step.
Expensive and not in my reality, nobody here does that.
Then I have given you all the advice I can. Best of luck!
I know.
My wife was a stranger before we met. Never knew each other as friends really. Met and talked and made a future date. It was a scifi con and we were not necessarily looking for a significant other but neither of us was like against finding someone.
Can you please seek the professional help that would make you feel better and stop using AskLemmy as your therapist?
(Before down voting me, take a look at OP’s post and comment history. They are all like this, followed by refusing or arguing against any and all encouragement or advice.)
Just from the replies to genuine help on this one thread is enough to know who this kind of person is. If feel bad for OP if their replies are truthful.
I like how the question makes it about us but OP makes it about him.
This is the whiniest little dude I’ve found online in years. It’s actually impressive.
I’m sure it happens, but it’s rare (and premature).
(35, he/him) This is how I met my first girlfriend, in reverse. I was lonely and had mentally committed to making a friend in a manic episode. I saw her on a bench reading and asked if I could sit next to her. I had a book with me too, and began to read. Then, I asked what she was reading. We became friends, and later dated for 2.5 years.
I’ve spent a lot of time wandering around hoping people would talk to me. I used to feel like it was worthless, because 95% of the time no one will talk to you, but those odds aren’t so bad in hindsight. Go into public 100 times a year and you’ll have 5 decent shots at making a friend. Make one friend a year, and you’ll probably have more social opportunities than you want to deal with.
I’ve met people randomly in public like this perhaps 6 times.
There are other factors other than randomness:
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I’m very friendly to people. I like to ask questions once a conversation gets going, and I get animated on just about any topic. I talk to myself a lot, so even when I’m not exposed to people I’m practiced, in a way.
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There is usually an activity involved. Reading a book together, drawing on an airplane, posting art on a blog, taking classes together, being at the same work event, hiding in the same hard to find corner of the library. These are all situations from my life, and they typically involve a shared activity, or a creative outlet. This is probably why people recommend joining clubs / going to bars, advice I’ve never taken, but I see the reasoning.
I don’t mean to project that my social life is great! I’ve been terribly lonely during much of it, and these experiences I’m describing took place over several years. However, if I could boil down my successes, I’d say they cultivating a curiousty in others and publically engaging in my hobbies has been the best way to make friends (and occasionally lovers).
Isn’t that faking though? I most likely wouldn’t care about someone else interest, I’m probably into her body and looks and more sentimental part obviously. Hobbies and stuff can be whatever, I don’t like to share my hobby with people and I bet she wouldn’t care or call it childish.
That sounds more like a fling than “love”.
If you don’t care about bonding with people, to the point that you already, without even meeting her, don’t give a shit about the person living in the body you are horny for, just hire a sex worker. It’s much easier because you don’t have to put in any effort at all to be a better version of yourself (something you are clearly desperately opposed to doing), and saves any woman having to deal with that bullshit in a relationship where she thinks you might be reclusive but otherwise reachable with a bit of patience, when in reality you are just a self-absorbed whiner actively choosing to be as miserable as possible.
No woman is ever going to want to be in a relationship with the person you are representing yourself as on here. Seriously, you sound like all the worst self-inflicted traits of people I’ve dated all rolled into one oh-poor-me parade. What a powerful turnoff. Seek professional help to fix yourself first, or you’ll just keep feeling let down and angry about something you are doing entirely to yourself, and you’ll keep blaming everyone but yourself. So it’ll just. Keep. Happening.
There’s nothing wrong with you that you can’t fix. But you have to want to. And before you say you can’t fix your looks or whatever other nonsense bullshit excuse you’ve come up with to not have to blame your own shitty self-absorbed personality that you actively choose to maintain, not everyone is as shallow as you are and only cares about the way their partner looks or sounds or whatever. The vast majority of humans are far deeper than you seem willing to give us credit for.
You came here just to insult someone suffering that you don’t know and did absolutely nothing to you, seriously who are you and why you’re attacking me?. I will not take ANYTHING from you since you’re this awful. Get lost.
Oh lord, we’re all suffering in some way. You don’t get to have a pity party and get manipulative when someone says something that challenges your self destructive and toxic beliefs. If you’re so fragile in the face of having your viewpoints challenged, then you certainly came to an interesting space.
Lawl, you won’t take anything from anyone who tried to help you more nicely, either, and I wasn’t being mean or attacking you, regardless what you might think, just being honest without sugar-coating it, cuz that clearly doesn’t get through to you. I read alllllllll your replies. I’m not assuming anything about you, I’m basing this entirely on how you present yourself on here, and I said as much in my comment.
You come on here whining up a storm and aggressively shooting down everyone who tries to help you, what do you honestly expect? To be the permanent center of the entire internet while everyone fawns over you, (oh you poor poor victim of the unfair world, you!) and offers you ways to do absolutely nothing and get what you want (which don’t exist, btw, which is why nobody has offered you any)?
Get therapy, dude. Seriously. You desperately need it.
Aggressive? Wtf are you talking about? I didn’t attacked anyone here, I just can’t agree with what they say, it’s ridiculous for me just acting like someone else without feeling that way that’s it. Meanwhile you came here straight to my neck insulting me (yes you’re insulting) and again I DID NOTHING TO YOU. You’re calling someone you never met pathetic and that all his feelings and problems are bullshit
What is your problem?
You don’t have to attack anyone to aggressively shoot them down. It’s in the tone and brevity you use to communicate it, that you are completely right (even tho you supposedly want advice) and they are thus completely wrong, and their thoughts aren’t worth more than a dismissive sentence or two that boils down to how you are a special snowflake for whom all the things that work for other people simply can’t work, because reasons.
If it was insulting, you might want to think about why. Because all I did was describe how you are behaving on here.
Get therapy. Or keep doing this little dance every few weeks with the exact same results every time, even though it’ll never actually help, whatever. You do you.
Disqualifying yourself (and others) before you even try to meet someone isn’t going to help. Just try to talk to people and show genuine interest in what they have to say, you’d be surprised.
What if I can’t show genuine interest then. Because that’s my regular state
Maybe the issue is wanting high yield for low investment. Maybe invest in yourself more. When you become enough for you, everything else is a compliment, not a completion.
I’m not going to invest more in me that I’m already doing. Sometimes I feel like giving up even more on me that I’m already doing right now, I’m tired.
I mean no offense, but it sounds like you have poorly developed social skills. I used to as well.
You could try reframing it in your mind:
It’s not faking, it’s practice.
If you pick up an instrument for the first time to practice, you will sound terrible, and possibly be discouraged, but if you practice for hundreds of hours you’ll be able to play it for real.
Babies and children aren’t born knowing how to express interest or sympathize. You certainly weren’t. Children have to learn how to do this. It is possible that you need to practice if you want to build intimate relationships. There is no shortcut to this.
I have 2 guitars and gave up on those long ago, still can’t play shit. So you tell me. I don’t have social skills, I’m aware. But that’s me. That’s who I am, does that mean I’m cursed to be alone and miserable just for that? Meanwhile there’s horrible, disgusting criminals out there getting laid and even married? Am I worse than that just because I don’t socialise?
Without social skills, you are cursed to be alone, yes. Humans don’t hang out with people that makes them feel bad.
Fix your social skills or be alone. Your choice.
You should really consider professional help (if you want to change). Reading your comments, venting to random people on Lemmy isn’t going to change anything for you.
I’m aware this won’t change anything but it’s either this or drowning in silence.
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I don’t even know what that means. Energy? We’re not batteries, character traits are formed by our suffering and experiences, many of it are set in stone.
Yeah, energy. Are you attracted to happy, joyous people or those with a chip on their shoulder?
I honestly don’t see that as a factor. Just, treat me well and be physically attractive to me. That’s it.
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That’s likely
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I wouldn’t. I don’t speak first, never. My brain, my system just doesn’t work that way. Unless I need precise indications I wouldn’t ask anything from anyone and even when I need indications I would rather solve it by myself, asking would be my last resort.
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This guy posts like this a lot. It always devolves into a pity party where he rebukes every bit of advice or consolation he receives. Check the comment history.
You’ve been trolled and wasted your time. Sorry.
Yes. It’s platypus’ famous pity party. The guy is a wreck. A sad sack of shit wallowing in his own toilet of worthlessness.
Best to just pull the lever on his posts and just flush them like the big turds they are.
Even if this is true, you don’t need to be such an ass about it. 🙄
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GET 'EM LAD!!! 😂
I’m glad the guy responded though, he’s probably helping someone that’s reading his comments. I doubt he’s afraid of being trolled.
Yeah, it may not help OP, but I’m finding value in the conversation of others in the comments. Thanks everyone!
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Helped me, so all was not lost. :)
Then it’s unlikely you’ll ever randomly happenstance into a relationship with someone.
You can either accept this, or try to change this. People aren’t as set in stone as you think they are unless they want to be.
If you want something that depends on you making a change in your system or your way of thinking, and you think you can’t do it, you might benefit from talking to a therapist.
Again. That’s not a chance
I went on a few dates with someone who started randomly chatting with me at the train station.
I feel like this sort of thing happened more before cellphones.
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It absolutely happens. Most of my long term partners were that “sparks at first sight” energy. In high school, my first girlfriend and I saw each other from across the bus waiting zone, and it was on. Even our parents were blown away by our chemistry. Unfortunately, she died of acute lymphocytic leukemia two years later. My first wife and I spotted each other from across a nightclub dancefloor. I thought she gave me a fake phone number, but turned out to be real. I was on a bike tour, stopped at a winery, and met an amazing woman who became my second wife 18 months later.
But here’s the problem with that instant connection: it’s almost always a very bad sign. Those instant sparks are indicative of non-verbal cues that both people fit a mutually faulty template. For people who have unaddressed trauma, that template is just waiting to be matched, and it produces disastrous results in the majority of relationships. John Gottman at University of Washington has studied intimate interpersonal dynamics in depth; he and his lab have literally written the book(s) on how to have healthy, fulfilling relationships. Spoiler alert: instant attraction should be a red flag for about 99% of the population.
But yeah, get professional help.
